Dakota

Matt, Jamie, jamie'sKristen, Jamie's brother, and I went to see X-Men: The Last Stand at the midnight show on Thursday night/Friday morning. Generally, I liked it. There were some really great moments, and some really bad ones. The bad ones were easily identified: miscasting, and and overwhelming storyline.

The Phoenix Saga and the Dark Phoenix Saga in particular, are two of my favorite comic book storylines ever. It's powerful, and interesting, and a little racy. I was skeptical (to say the least) at the end of X-Men 2 when we saw the Phoenix shadow on the watery grave of Jean Grey. It didn't take much of a comic fan of the team to know this was a prime opportunity to have the Phoenix spring forth in the third installment. But nothing at this point made sense for a rote retelling of the comic book mythos. It just wouldn't make sense.

So, the writers decided Phoenix had always existed within Jean. I don't know when they decided this. It certainly wasn't clear in the first two movies. But, they got me. I lovelovelove split/multiple personality storylines. I'm a major sucker for them. So when Xavier (a stoic and downright unlikable Patrick Stewart, who has previously been compassionate and comforting as the character) explains to Logan (the ever-sexy Hugh Jackman) that Jean has lived on with one persona in control of her power, and another that craves to rage. A level 5 mutant (the highest on record), if Phoenix were to bust free, she could rain fire onto us all.

They never take the time to explain why Phoenix decided to bust out now. I'm guessing that it's because Jean went so above and beyond her power to save the X-Men at the end of episode 2, that she unlocked some force that somehow left her comatose until just the right moment. Whatever. It's a comic book; I'll take it, 'cause the first 3rd of the film was all about being a comic book. This brings me to my second annoyance with the movie.

It was as if the storyboards were written and the writers said "Ok, so in the scene, Xavier will explain this and say this, and in this scene, Bobby and Rogue will be sitting here and this will be going on." And then they wrote that down. Every scene seemed like a pitch; it wasn't a developed scene, it was a catalyst for the next one. Very quick cuts, and the story seemed to be a little ahead of itself. Just hang on there, let us adapt to certain aspects first, ok! I mean, so-and-so is dead, and we're just rushing right past that!

It was a solid idea, too. A mutant has been discovered to temporarily knock off the effects of mutation (and the subsidiary powers, which are often confused with being the primary effect... but no, just the flashiest--Beast's blue fur is not a power as such). Warren Worthington II ([Arch]Angel's father) has made it his goal to 'cure' the mutant gene and therefore make him less ashamed of his son, who has quite the impressive wingspan. It brings up a natural issue that is quickly (and abrasively, by Storm) talked up as being offensive to the mutant community. Is it something to be cured? Is it something to be ashamed of? The homosexuality gene parallels are abundant, but all subconscious; they never flat out say it, and instead allow the viewer immediately come the conclusion "on their own" how the story seems to border a real-life one. Crafty. Obvious, but crafty.

So, Erik/Magneto (Ian McKellan as the steely cold codger with a death wish for humanity) just as he did with Rogue in episode 1, attempts to harness the blazing fury of the Phoenix into his cause. What he expects Phoenix to do is never explained. He manages an army, who all are either cut to ribbons by the army, or eventually by her. He, Pyro, and Phoenix sorta just hang out for the climactic scene. Phoenix is not as instantly useful as Magento's former henchwoman, Mystique. Maybe she's charging up or something. Famke Janssen is a gorgeous woman, with some awesome red hair. She _does_ look good just standing there, too. And she _did_ just explode her boyfriend, try to fuck her tortured would-be lover, and disintegrate her mentor.

Oh, wait, did I skip that?

Granted, I have always hated Scott Summers. In every incarnation... comic, animated series, and now film. I hate him. I've always been about the Logan/Jena pairing (especially in the films, 'cause they be sexy). So when Phoenix blows Scott away (off screen) for no particular reason, I was left floored, but satisfied. Awesome! It was an incredible risk, and it made me respect the film for that lil section. Then it kinda went astray again.

As for the fucking, well, she left some fast-healing lovescars on Logan when she was brought back to the X-lab after found unconscious post-Scott-rubout. Logan, who is keeping her body company, is the sudden object of some vicious horniness. When Logan pulls back and asks where Scott is (only his ruby glasses found), Jean breaks through again and asks Logan to kill her. He refuses, and she throws him against a wall and breaks free, returning to her childhood home.

Xavier and Storm rush in, and Xavier accuses Logan of setting her free, instead of using that awful helpful telepathy and seeing that Logan didn't do much of anything except play the bottom for a few minutes ’til Jean freaked the fuck out.

Xavier rushes off to Jean's childhood home (her parents must have been out, or maybe their charred corpses were cut from the final release; I was expecting some Uncle Own/Aunt Beru-type skeletons on the front lawn by the picket fence) and finds Erik there already, with evil mutants in tow. Erik was able to find Jean through Callisto, a new ally played the worst actress to be cast since Halle Berry. More on her later.

After some "You can only trust me!" banter between Erik, Xavier, and Grey, she shreds the house and Xavier along with it. Wait... What?! She killed Xavier! Holy shit! Director Brett Ratner wasn't screwing around. Erik, while visibly shaken by the death of his former friend and taunt-buddy, still brings Jena/Phoenix along for the ride.

In the midst of all this, the battle of the shitty actresses takes place: Berry's Storm and Dania Ramirez's Callisto. Callisto, in this version has some superspeed power and the ability to sense other mutants' powers and whereabouts. This version of Callisto is brand new, and lame as ever. They needed someone to be able to do the things she can do, though, so they cut the Morlocks and the generic mutant powers the never-significant X-villain and completely made her from the ground up. Sure. Basically they made a new mutant and named her after an existing one.

Also, Logan has some lighthearted fun with Juggernaut, who's a big burly man who's much less big and burly than his comic variation, but that's ok. A fan favorite, he was destined to eventually appear. In the tradition of Nightcrawler and Mystique, the writers decided to omit any family connections; Juggernaut is no longer Xavier's step-brother. It's for the best. Imagine if they tried to cram that in, too.

Meanwhile, over at Mutant High, Rogue likes Bobby but is jealous that Bobby is spending so much time with Kitty. Since she can't touch Bobby (killer mutant powers and all), Rogue decides to go get the cure so boys will like her. This weary afternoon special doesn't take up too much time (the writers wouldn't let it!), but it's frustrating anyway. You just want them to shut up and get back to the good stuff. Bobby took his time in becoming the new Cyclops, but eventually managed it with flying, irritating colors.

The film packs in as many mutants as it can into the film, hoping that fans will see a woman with purple hair and immediately think "Oh! That's Psylocke!" And in a very George Lucas type way, every mutant's got a name, and they're all familiar to the fans... just how are you supposed to know who is who?! And fans who see 'Psylocke' will double guess their first impressions anyway, 'cause they'll see her meld through walls, and go "Wait... Psylocke doesn't do that..." Apparently Siryn, Jubilee, and Omega Red also have cameos, but you'd never know it if it weren't for the IMDB. Arclight, Multiple Man, and Moira Mactaggert have slightly larger roles for the fanboys to cream over, but they're just extended cameos.

Mystique, who gave some class to the Brotherhood, is lamentably absent this time out. Mystique is unceremoniously replaced by Magneto after she is injected with the anti-mutant serum that renders her helpless, naked, and a stunning brunette. She lept in front of it to save him, and he leaves her behind because she is no longer "one of us." That bastard. Well, anyone who didn't see it coming that he'd be injected eventually, well, you weren't paying attention to the clearly marked signs "He'll Get His" in the music as he strode away from her.

The fact that the X-Men do it to him bothers the hell out of me. That's not how the X-Men are supposed to solve problems! They're just as against the serum as Magneto is and they guiltlessly stab him with the vials... What the hell? It's only ok if the bad faggots get injected? Uh, I mean, the bad mutants. Logan goes buck wild, slicing through evil mutants in one scene, too. When Xavier dies, the whole "love your enemy" concept really goes to shit.

New good guys include the aforementioned hussy Kitty Pride, a.k.a. Shadowcat, the chick who can walk through walls. She has a memorable moment during the big final battle where she narrowly avoids Juggernaut, but he still gets the biggest laugh in the theatre. Also in the game is Hank McCoy, the Beast, who is charmingly played by Frasier Crane himself, Kelsey Grammer. While as Crane, he can get annoying as all hell, Grammer is right at home in the exotic blue threads; easily the most likeable figure in the production.

Halle Berry fought hard for an expanded role in episode 3, and threatened to walk if it didn't happen. Instead of the writers throwing a party and thanking their gods, they actually folded and actually wrote Storm in for a few Lifetime special speeches and blank stares when the camera wasn't focused on her. Fine, give her an Oscar, but keep her the hell out of comic book movies. It was a bad idea from the start, and then they actually had the audacity to give her more lines... bad, bad, awful lines that anyone would've sounded cheesy saying.

Rebecca Romijn and James Marsden were sneakily still listed in the top credits, even though Mystique and Cyclops didn't last very long. Romijn won me over in the first sequel (she was cool in the original, but didn't really make me love her), and cemented a sincere respect for her by this chapter. Marsden's death was a spiritually calming moment for me. Uh, I mean his character's death.

By the end of it all, the death count is high. Regulars Xavier, Jean, and Cyclops are dead. Rogue is no longer a mutant (which means she'll never get her super strength or flight powers, but can now give Iceman a handjob), Magneto has also been "cured" but seems to getting some of his magnetic feeling back as a special surprise ending before the surprise ending (after the credits, we learn Xavier may've transported his consciousness to another host, which is really the stupidest moment of the film), and all of Magneto's henchmen have been probably reduced to ash thanks to Phoenix’s final freak-out.

It's a strong, bold ending for a fallible film. It took a rocky journey to it, but finished on top. Better than first, not as solid as the second, the third film in the possibly completed series--in this generation, anyway... anyone up for X-Men Begins?