I feel like I let several days go by without acknowledging them. This is fairly true. Since my LJ is really the only journal that I have ever really kept for a length of time longer than a month or so, it seemed both natural and bizarre to not be writing in here daily. In high school, I would write several times a day about almost nothing.

I sort of cringe when reflecting on some of those previous entries. I know that I come off as whiny and needy a lot of the time in general (and that is because I am both of those things), but as a teenager, I was both of those things in addition to being so Fucking Sure of myself. These days, while I remain opinionated and steadfast (and perhaps meaner than ever), I am significantly Less Sure.

This past weekend was a strange bookending. When I started dating Matt in 2003, he began work on the musical Narnia for ATC. I saw the show, helped them move locations, but wasn't very. very involved. It was, however, the first time I was really involved in non-HOH community theatre since I was an adolescent. On Friday afternoon, the first of three performances for a new cast of Narnia, directed by the same woman at ATC but with high school students, went on. Load-out for the show was on the one-year mark of Matt breaking up with me. Equally, it was the one-year mark of the day before Zombie Night where things spiraled out of control on cast, as well.

I am not nearly where I expected to be, last year and 2 days ago.

I'm not Really happy, you know. I mean, I am trying very hard to "make the best" out of it all with White Elephant projects, being occasionally brilliant at work, or reminding myself that even if Matt and Jamie are having sex by themselves, it's still hot (I just don't get to see it anymore). But I still fear very abandoned by Matt, unappreciated by HOH, and generally complicated. It is not going away, and I have no real expectation for it to. I catch myself thinking of meaningless and important things from years ago that tore me up, and I shake my head, grind my teeth, and press on. I don't really hope for a better day tomorrow, just a different one. I like to think of that as hope.

But, well, I've never been one to "get over it." Pretty much ever. Especially in high school.