Dakota

The anniversary show has passed. It went by as a really good regular show, if not exactly the bells and whistles expected from an anniversary night. There wasn't a preshow, which sucked, but the double Trixie went off pretty well, even if Richy and Liz were totally outdone by the often hysterical Pips of theirs: eLiz, Dani, and Willow.

It also was traditional-- someone got hurt (Rob, unfortunately popped something), Angelo pretended to sodomize Sean for the bedroom scenes, and the film broke.

Michelle, Amy, and John came to see the show. It was John's second time I guess, Amy's fifth or sixth (she's a good sister), and Michelle's first. She seemed to enjoy it, although a little put off by the stimulation overload of an unfamiliar film, the actors on stage, and callbacks. She sat through the whole thing though and left smiling, so I guess it all worked out!

Nothing much else out of the ordinary... It was a steady show, despite what seemed like selective tension backstage.

Also, a conservative size audience. Excellent for a regular show, embarrassing for a theme night. They were at least vocal, and because it really did end up to be a regular show, it worked out. Next week is Prom Night, which should be fab.

A good night, all things considered.

Last night, Genevieve and I headed to New Haven, Connecticut to meet up with Amy. We were off to see Dar Williams and Girlyman at Toad's, this club I'd never heard of, but was plastered with signed photos of everyone from Mary Chapin Carpenter, to Megadeath, to Meat Loaf, to Madonna (she signed a copy of her Blonde Ambition tour book with "Too bad to passed me up;" meaning--I think--that she tried to get a gig at Toad's, failed, and hey, got really famous).

I didn't know Girlyman at all, but I like Dar a lot, and had seen part of her free concert in one of the New York concerts a few months ago. She was with a band this time around, and Amy scored tickets.

First we got food at this nearby Italian place and I got a fabulous calzone. We headed off to the club, which was bigger than than the venue I was expecting it to be. At around 9, Girlyman took the stage. It's a folk-rock trio of two women and a man, and they were really amazing. They started with a Paul Simon song, "Born At The Right Time," which was great. They also did their own material, the names of which I learned later: "Hey Rose," "The Shape I Found You In," "Saint Peter's Bones," "On the Air," "Speechless," and "Young James Dean." I am quite certain they did more than that, but I just do not recall. I was, however, blown away.

After their set, we went promptly to their merch table. I got a black shirt that says "Girlyman" and their two CDs. They signed the CDs for me, which was very, very nice of them. Genevieve and I seemed to make one of their bandmembers, Ty --an adorable dykey, androgynous woman with an awesome voice-- when we asked about the meaning of one of their songs. At the merch table, we looked at the tracklistings and one of the tracks is titled "Genevieve." I laughed and said to the woman in her 30's behind the counter, "That's her name." She blinked but was unfazed, "That's my name, too." Genevieve asked how she pronounced her name, and it was Jenn-ee-veeve, not the French John-Vee-ev, like Genevieve's.

I asked, "Are you the Genevieve in the song?" And she averted her eyes; it's a question she might get a lot... "You'd have to ask the songwriter." Genevieve quickly scanned the lyrics, and we both had visions of the singer have a torrid (although obvious, 'cause it's a song) affair with the merch girl. Turns out she's also their manager. The plot thickens. So we asked Ty, who wrote the song, and she didn't give an answer; she was mostly startled by the question and quickly started signing the CDs.

Next up was Dar, who really had a tough act to follow. I had already bought two of Dar's CDs: her latest, and Mortal City to make up for the mp3's of most it that I already have.

Dar began with "Comfortably Numb." She looked like, in my opinion, like the former hippie art teacher in a high school. She was definitely beautiful, but she was also definitely an older woman who was a mom, and had a penchant for flowy sleeves.

While I do not recall, at all, the tracklisting order, I know that she sang "Teen for God," "Beautiful Enemy," "So Close to My Heart" (which I hated), "The Mercy of the Fallen," "As Cool As I Am," "The Christians and the Pagans," "The Poignant, Yet Pointless, Crisis of a Co-Ed" (a request that she looked hesitant to do; she seemed intimidated by the crowd), "Are You Out There," "Spring Street," "Another Mystery," and "The Babysitter's Here." She did others that I either didn't know or I've forgotten. She did maybe 15 songs.

She was also quite great, although she seemed very distracted from the start. She sang well, and bantered constantly (something I love and crave in live acts) with the audience. Girlyman joined her on the stage for "As Cool As I Am," the closer (before the encores), and for the second encore... a song I didn't know, but she expected us to. Maybe the collective did.

As it stood, it was a great night, despite it's lateness and early awakening that I had to do. Fortunately I had a very low-key workday that kept me from pulling my eyes out.

It was a very good night.

Working backwards, like my memory does.

Monday: That's today! Today was a nice break in the monotonous workday cycle, as I got to have lunch with Amy and Crow. We went got lost, went to Applebee's, and I came back to work some more. Not a stressful day, but filled with a great number of different account happenings. I am going out with Willow later... either between 6.30 and 7, or between 7 and 7.30. I forget which.

Never mind. She's here now. Whoops!

'Kay, bye!

Ok, well, it's nothing ground-breaking (yet), but I have succeeded in charming the Borders managers past two interviews and a bizarre phone "survey". I guess I'll expect a call this weekend telling me either a yes or a no. At this point, I'd like a yes. After all that, I really want a yes.

I also think the situation between me and Amy has come to a close. While nerve-wracking, I think this being our first real fight since I was in single digits for age made us both look at each other differently. Maybe not for the better, but it alerted us to each other human-ness, which isn't easy, since there is an unspoken (was unspoken) idolatry for Amy... She is the only sibling that I have ever looked up to and not regretted it. I have yet to.

Other than that, the day wasn't very eventful. The big shocking news was there was not a phone call. But I'm realizing that the liklihood that someone is going to want to talk to someone who continually bitches about the one who's supposed to call with smart-ass comments like "shocking news" in regards to his unavailability... well, why would he want to? Actually, why would he want to anyway?

I've given it thought. Well, obviously. But, I've given it thought in terms of whether or not I want a phone call. I do. Really. There's a stance that points out that there may be no point. Why drag it out? Why put yourself into the position where you will once again MELT after you hear his voice again? What if he does that fucking adorable giggle-verbal-smile thing... What if he just makes me cringe? And... what if he doesn't? The fantasy will be ruined! Um... Well, what fantasy? He/we didn't leave on good terms, so it's not like I'm clinging to some hope. He'd have to be who he was two months ago, and he's clearly not anymore (I'm sure he himself would agree, however we'd vary on whether or not it's for the better).

Also... it's been a while... I've run out of imaginary conversation ideas... He's completely unpredictable and I can't begin to imagine what he'd say at this point... However, I want to hear it. If just for the sake, that I still love who I was with. I don't think I won't be for a while. However, what Genevieve said tonight on AIM, struck a chord... I love what isn't there. And I can move on from that.

What's left, though, is talking to who's there. And I still need to do that. I would like to think it wouldn't be difficult for him to speak with me. However, he is definately avoiding it (or was before legitimate unavailability and then avoiding it again and more legitimate unavailability). I've made myself believe that it's because he doesn't want to fall back in love with me after speaking to me. I've also made myself believe he's waiting for me to become so irritated by it that I'll never want to speak with him again. Honestly, at this point, why would he want me back anyway? When we broke up, it was me that broke us up but he was the only one who wanted to. And he wouldn't.

I leave for Danielle's at three. He can call me tomorrow morning/afternoon. If he doesn't, it's another day. And the days are getting more and more distressing.

If he thinks he's protecting me (which he may think, but he's protecting himself in reality), he's not.

I'm going to attempt sleep.

I am unhappy with how the night has ended, but it's my apparent fault anyway.

I hate arguing with people I respect.

Especially when it's clear that it incorrectly appears that I don't respect them.

I inadvertendly offended Amy in my last post. I apologize, but it was taken in a manner that I had not intended and went further in terms of sarcasm and bitterness (from both of us) that I was not expecting, nor can I account for. I'm not sure why I felt so acidic. I just... did. And for that I apologize. Poorly chosen words and when confronted on them, I was just so not in the mood. Curious, but I think I've said all that I can say. At least, all that I actually mean.

Also today, I spoke with Michele... Wow, I have in the past in terms of telling her stuff, but this must've been for at least an hour on the phone. She shared with me an interesting story of her first engagement, and confirmed she and my father will indeed be attending on the 10th. That's cool.

And dialing Jake's cell number I shall be soon.

as you're invading this thing you call Love."

I didn't really want to go into depth about much of anything until I heard from Jake. Why bother, considering it seems he's convinced he doesn't want to speak to me until he's ready and is completely unaware that he's not the one who needs to be "ready". He had time. Nearly two months. If he hasn't put it into perspective at this point, why the fuck did he break up with me then? I'm pretty sure he knows why now. "Gods, he's obsessing this much after the relationship - he woulda driven me crazy!</i>.

Well, fuck 'em. That doesn't mean he's off the hook - the phone call awaits. When I say "fuck 'em", I refer to me saying I'll wait. Why? As if that'll change how I felt before it.

On Saturday, I had the distinct pleasure of Beach Night at Rocky - a lot of fun. Red flaming Speedo, let me just say that. Ooh, baby. I got little call-back ('cept from cast) but that's ok... the audience seemed rather comatose most of the night. All those artifical sun rays...

Saturday night I also took a much needed trip to the diner, where I had fun-fun-fun. CFR ruled as usual, and for once Genevieve didn't have to tabulate the check.

Home, woke up at 8.30 or so by Joyce... We drove to Union and I unabashedly slept in the car while Joyce preached at her church. I didn't get to actual sleep until long after four a.m., so I wasn't really up for an alternate theology. It was ok, though. We made our way to CT and I got to see my grandparents, which was swell. Mom Mom is recovering well, as unintentionally amusing as ever, I assure.

Amy came around and picked me up to hang with her, John, and The Boys (nephews Damien and Crow). That was cool; I read a Harry Potter selection to them for bedtime, watched Almost Famous (rent it), and got an awesome t-shirt from Amy that says "i like boys." I adore it. I watched The Big Lebowski mostly after Amy went to bed (we started it together) and actually finished. I'm amazed I managed. I thought it was utter crap, but that's ok; Julianne Moore was cool in it. I find Jeff Daniels really annoying though. And for the first time ever, I wanted John Goodman to just shut up.

Slept in my clothes and sneakers after maybe one? Maybe later, I don't remember. John was writing in the kitchen, Amy and the Boys had gone to sleep, and I sorta curled on the couch and had a dreamless night [at least I don't remember any... and I've been having some strange, rejection-based dreams recently... except for two really interesting sex dreams within the last week, one with a cast member of mine -which isn't exactly "new", but my faux-partner certainly wasn't in any of mine before; and one with Jake... The one with Jake ended with me not being able to find him afterward and me in the woods somewhere... Wow, that's got hidden meaning written all over it, doesn't it? ::eyes roll::] until late morning.

Went to an amusement park I've forgotten the name of (Compound Lake maybe? I think...) with John, Amy, and Crow (Damien was picked up by him mom [my sister, Michelle] earler that morning; missed her visit entirely due to slumber). I was expecting it to suck, but it was actually rather ok.

I am amazed by Crow (and Damien as well, although I didn't spend as much time with him)... He/they are not the same nephews I recall... They get older just as I get older... I forget this... I remember when I would say things and it'd go right over their heads. I'm not used to it not. :)

Home Monday night after introducing Amy to Dar [not personally] ("If I Wrote You" was on incessant loop for the rest of night), whom/which I hope she liked. I ended up giving her my mix CD, which I hadn't intended to, but I can always burn another copy for myself. Once again, I ended up not keeping a CD I burned; I'm consistent again with me pretty much never burning a CD for myself non-official-policy (just always ends up like that).

Tuesday was me getting blue highlights and hanging at Bangles with Danielle and the Bangles Crew. I like how my hair ended up, but I hope for darker colour next time, which Danielle tells me is possible. They just need to get another batch of colour-y stuff.

We went back to D & C's and watched Cruel Intentions, which Danielle had never seen and Chris had brought up he wanted to see again. I own the DVD, so I brought with me on Saturday but we didn't get the chance to watch it til then. Everyone seemed to like it, and both Chris and Danielle were able to hear "Every You, Every Me" and "Secretly" in the context that I originally heard them, which was cool.

So, then home. Got the new Tori songs from the promo CD. I am evil, but I'm glad. They're nice. Mostly. I have some mediocre feelings (the feelings are of mediocrity, not the feelings themselves are mediocre; but then again, perhaps they are) especially about "Pancake", which "everyone" is raving about over at the Forumz. I've yet to hear the full length "Sorta Fairytale, though.

Speaking of forums, wish me luck that the forthcoming Figg forum doesn't suck as much as the Aimoo one. Ack, $27 wasted on that one...

Well, this was something of a disjointed post with not lots about how I feel about anything. Short answer: I feel ok with everything's that happened.

It's what's not happened that pisses me off.

Amy (my sister) saw Hedwig - and she actually really, really loved it. I am extremely pleased. I'm not one to have no film-related things in common with Amy (Clue and Dogma come to mind, and she manages to squeak through Rocky while not truly "getting it" - not her fault, it just doesn't affect her the same way, which is totally fine). But, she totally got into Hedwig and I was so extremely happy.
Really.
I'm talking to Brandon right now. So, that's all I have to report. Til later.