Dakota

I've been really cranky lately. Not for the longest stretches of time, but here and there. I've found myself really disinterested in others' pain or problems. I wouldn't say that I've become more self-centered, because I haven't really been obsessing myself, either. I've been pretty overwhelmed by lots of things going on though, so I have a feeling that I'm just trying to push everyone else out of it so I don't have one more thing to worry about.

Certain personality traits of others' are bugging me and I don't know if they've always been how they are and I'm just hypersensitive, if I'm finally just sick or frustrated enough by it to notice, or I'm crazy.

I've been having some good moments. Montreal was good. ( Montreal, finally )

On Thursday, Genevieve, Danielle, and I went to see Katie's directoral and acting effort You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown at Rutgers Camden. We met up with Liz, Rishard, and Angelo there, and Tara and Janice came soon after. Katie was Lucy, and she was very good. It was very strange to see a Lucy with a legit voice, since she's generally played up at screechy. Adults acting as children can either be really obnoxious or really amusing, and fortunately, this was the former. The show (which is essentially a bunch of short comic strip-like skits and longer scenes with centerpieced songs). It worked far better than any production of it I'd seen (I've seen it twice before), and I was really happy and proud for Katie.

I'm going to try to get myself out of the snit and funk. And also try writing in the journal more. It's the 24th and I've only written 4 times.

He has the keyboard of a poet! ;)

--

tHANKS George....I'm looking forward for the new cd to be out too ;).....UGGGG...
thanks for being patient.
HUGS,
JOSH



----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: George
Date: Jun 27, 2006 6:35 AM

Hey, Josh--

It was great to (very briefly) see you at the Pride March on Sunday. I was in front of the library and you streamed by handing out postcards. I barely had a chance to recognize you, but you looked great!

Looking forward to the new album; although disappointed a little that it got pushed til August.

I'm not really fond of the MySpace player, so hopefully will be able to hear the new stuff on CD or mp3 at some point soon. I'm sure it's all amazing.

--George

ok - not being too judgmental...
but let go of the rocky horror stuff...
and move on to the next phase of your life.
i'm there waiting for you...
and i can make a very comfortable life for you.

--anonymous LJ comment, IP address from Chicago

It's good to have a back-up plan, I guess.

Josh Zuckerman's on the front page of gay.com!

That's so cool! They even have the music video for "A Totally New Sensation" up there, too. It's a cute video. Yay, Josh!

Things that you never expect are sometimes funny.

It is both unfortunate and ill-timed that it is past 3 AM. I am not really ready to go to sleep. Yeah, I can sense that sleep could happen if I close my eyes for long enough... but I'm just not really into it for right now. My head's a bit of a jumble.

I thought that I'd be able to ramble it out on Livejournal, but I don't even think I can do that. I was hoping to.

Rarrgh, got too much.

Last night, I hung out with MSU-Brian, and that's was swell. It was nice having more than maybe 10 words exchanged between the two of us. We'd been talking online for some time (him, and MSU-Mike), and last night was the first time of actual conversation.

We went to Applebee's, and he came back and we watched most of Four Rooms. It was good stuff; I look forward to (continue) getting to know him, and Mike. Mike, however, I've had even fewer non-online words. But by his own admission, that's just kinda how he is.

But, yes. Nifty. And "nimble," which was apparently the word of the day.

As a side note, I really need to get the Regina Spektor CD. I keep going to her website to play her video "Us" just so I can hear it.

As another side note, the power here in West Paterson sucks. Or, drains, or whatever. We've been massive brown-outs so my computer has occasionally turned off, and the battery back-ups keep beeping. Less fun.

Josh Zuckerman posted at my MySpace.

It was the most platonic message ever. But still. Heee.

Asked of me.

15. How would you know if someone loved you?
( Read more... )

Say what?

Consider me amused.

I'm IMing Brandon again... Well, attempting. We've spoken in broken sentences the last two days. Mostly talking new Tori stuff, but I'm pretty sure that the thrill of talking to me is pretty much gone. Update on him - Apparently the NY boy didn't work out; according to his avatar at LJ, he's single again. Aren't we all. I was actually just curious as to how he was, months after we stopped talking. Same guy, it appears. He's off my AIM list again. If he wants to ignite an online friendship again, it'll have to be started by him. We all know (and if you don't, check my LJ archives from like January) what happened last time. ::shrug:: Very "Unsent" (Alanis) moment, really.

Speaking of old "flames" (for me, not for them), guess who I see on atforumz.com again... That's right, ladies and gentlement, it's Logan! Lil Bastard's back with a new name (apparently some sob-worthy story about him losing the password to his old name is the cause). Ah well, funny to see him back.

So very, very casual.

I'm so romantically dysfunctional. Or at least I'm attracted to the romantically dysfunctional. No offense to any of them. Well, most of them.

Yesterday went surprisingly well. I'll be the first admit I was in an awful mood about 20 minutes before the show that continued until "Science Fiction". I just felt so friggin' petty and therefore guilty... sometimes even about feeling guilty. Rush of badness. And I've decided I just can't continue to care as much as I have about the Adam/Danielle thing. It just cannot consume, even if it barely involves me. All there is.
The actual show picked up midway through "Dammit Janet". I figured it'd be a "I don't want to be here" show, but for some reason, by the time we got to "The future is ours..." I was just there. Strange.
In any case: the cast - Willow as Columbia, Louis as Rocky, Liz as Frank, George as Brad, Genevieve as Dr. Scott, Angelo as Eddie, Teresa as Magenta, Larry as Criminologist, Gamsby as Riff Raff. Transies: Nate, Sean, Jason, Marc. Tech: Angelo, Genevieve, Mike, Jen, Erin. Lights: Chad.
[MIA: Allyson, Carrie, Wednesday (who was there but didn't do anything), Jason (ditto).]
Liz made an excellent Frank, Danielle looked purty-like as Janet, and yay's all around really. It was a very fluid show, full of gags, screen accuracy, and lots of fun. It's good to have fun at a show again.
Now, after the show... hmm... I don't know... I had groupies. One boy, one girl. And let me tell you, it is wonderful to have a boy groupie. He had a candy necklace and being the whore that I ultimately am not, I ate pieces off his neck. Four or five times. Without my hands. And well. That was really fun. Apparently for both of his. Friend of Adam (::ha::) and named Jake, he's super sweet. I hope to see him at the show again. I liked him.
Not much else to bring up, 'cept I saw The Sweetest Thing, which was hysterical and probably didn't deserve it since it looked like such a crap movie. Very much reccomended and several naked-men/oral-sex-related jokes, so huzzah.

I think that's all I got... And now onto the English portfolio fuck-me-gently-with-a-chainsaw project... Yay.

Today... yeah... seemed like a drag drag dragged out day. I can't say it was painful, just sort of... annoying. The fact that it had to happen. School, really. I'm a senior, the year is almost over, and I'm just trying to get the hell through each day. I suppose I should sit back and enjoy the distraction.
I'm not, though.
So. Yeah, I'm about to spill the guts. And you know I mean it, 'cause I hate that expression. Ok. So.
I was a sophomore before I really came to the realization that I did not like girls like my friends liked girls. I'd gotten to a point where I was lying about sex dreams in 8th grade, but I held fast to this bisexuality idea. It's worked for some of my friends... and more power to them. I can't find myself attracted so equally to genders. In fact, I find females great people, but I have really no interest in going near them sexually.
At all.
So, freshman year opened up new boy crushes, just as it opened girl crushes. There's no shock in my likeing Rachael in freshman year; half the male class did. However, there may be shock in my falling into some interest for the boy I "affectionately" would refer to as "Paper Bag" and now just Mike. He doesn't deserve coy code names. He wasn't the only one (I delusionally found a few of my classmates pretty cute; only a few have remained at all tolerable after knowing their personalities four years past), but he was the one with whom the infatuation lasted the longest. Shot through me in sophomore year, my year of estrangement with Linz and Danielle and Kristen. That was the "gay year", when I learned my own orientation, in some cases long after others did. Still.
I managed to make myself believe Mike's image in school was a cover (which it probably still is; his sister woulda killed him by now if it wasn't) but his outside world was what I wanted in on. His school persona isn't and wasn't all that inviting. I never approached Mike on an interested level. I got myself through seething with the angsty chicks I've learned to depend on for mood music.
Junior year brought me out to Linz and Kristen and Danielle plus valid others. Still, I was convincing myself that Mike was a no. Just a no. While his heterosexuality has been in question simply because of his playfulness and inability to realize when jokes go too far for comfort... he's not out, if he ever will be, or ever needs to be if he's truly just straightfully queer.
Yeah. So. I'd like to think that I "got over" him in junior year, even though I still sorta look at him still. Glances. Sometimes to wonder what I was thinking. He's one of those types who needs to talk constantly to remind oneself of why he shouldn't, otherwise making him just too pretty. And he is. He's not really that handsome, or even that "hot". He's pretty. He's a model. Really. Strange. Really.
Now. Junior year didn't give me many ideas. In that summer between soph and jun, I developed an infatuation with Zach and yet another Mike from where I worked. Cute, but ultimately unapproachable for either probable straightness (Zach) or completely dickheadness (Mike). I passed.
I don't know I really got into anyone in junior year. I remember at Rocky I thought Jason was cute (which he is, but knowing him further, I've learned to look past that) but I cannot think of anyone in real life. Outside of real life was Logan, boy from Kentucky from the Napster era. Screwed me up with elaborate lies that lasted from March to December. I don't speak to him any more.
He turned out to be a Dent Boy (a Tori Amos forum-goer) and less interesting than Brandon. Brandon lives in Michigan and is 20. Logan was 17 when we finally stopped talking. I was 18 when I "met" Brandon. Brandon was also a Dent boy. He was never meant to be anything more or less than a casual chat person on AIM. We had common interests (Tori, Garbage, etc.) and after Logan turned out to have claws, I may have leaped right into adoration with Brandon. It's less obession, more a consistent reminder that I don't have someone in my real life. I found the dangerous quality of being coy: you don't tell someone you dig them, they might not know it! So, I "lost" him to another Dent boy (we're a vicious breed) who lives in New York. New York. I live in New Jersey. Brandon lives in Michigan. Distance between him and I is essentially the same as the distance between him and this new person. Clearly I was just as available and Brandon made his choice.
Wonder if the new guy saw him naked after only a few weeks of talking with him. Not that I'm bitter. Or about to admit that I didn't.
So. Future... Dent Boy Matt? No. Not going to happen. I'm calling off Dent Boys for a while. I've even (mostly subconsciously) stopped going to the Dent forum so frequently. So. Yeah.
Bring us up to speed with Adam. Yeah. Adam. Yeah, so he's a Rocky person. Cute. Brandon-like. Cute. Danielle shares the attraction. However, Brandon is a confusing sort of kinda-not-completely-hetero-boy. Where most bi-curious guys would presumably have an easier time dealing with a mental relationship with a boy, most would probably cringe at the idea of a physical (aka SEX) with another boy. So. Adam does not fit this mold. If I really wanted to ravish this mature yet fatally 16 year old, I suppose I could. He'd apparently not mind it, in fact rather like it. One of the last things I need right now is a purely physical relationship now. I'm in some serious need for some gay boyfriend. Boyfriend, not fuckbuddy.
Not that Adam offered.
But he's had his arm around me, allowed me to kiss him during Rocky and didn't wipe the lipstick I was wearing off his cheek, moaned about as passionately as a man can without needing a change of underwear during our faux-fuck during "Toucha Toucha", and noticed my glances almost as soon as I make them. Extremely upsetting.
"I don't really know her, " Adam has said about Danielle when asked if he likes her. I know him less and I'm getting jealous over hand-holdings with other people? I'm sorry... as much as the early mentionings of Saturday may surprise you, I'm not very casual about other boys I like. I may have kissed him on the cheek, may have played with him during the show... but that took me further than I thought my hands would let me. I'm not Nate, who I'm sure has his own insecurities, but just as easily stick his hand down someone's pants.
I'm not sure where that leaves me. Or why I felt compelled to explode with some previous boys-I-like kinda info. I think I just needed to overview for myself. To remind me of the possible alternative: lesbianism.

I finally talked to Rob's brother on AIM.
It was all going rather smoothly until I made a reference to being undeniably cool (he was stressing that Legolas was awesome for shooting two arrows at once)...

He says: "Actually I've made myself undeniably desirable to certain people before but I was just having fun with them and didn't really work out to my advantage other than give me an ego boost..."

Ok. Bad thing to hear. Didn't like that much.

He says: "but yeah... when I notice someone is interested but I don't really like them I try to become the most desirable thing on the planet. it amuses me"

Ok. Bad thing to hear again. Not liking this at all. I commented on it's likeness to psychological torture.

He says: "something like that. physical torture for one guy... man I was kinda cruel to him.. but I felt little guilt, he's really annoying"

So. I don't know how frequently I'll talk to him after all that. Reminds me far too much of Logan, only this one is saying it out loud while thinking there's nothing wrong with it.

I stayed home from school today. I've been rather gloom-ridden for the last few days and I took advantage of my tired glazed-over look to say I felt dizzy and went back to bed. Woke up at 2.50 this afternoon.
I'll be in school tomorrow. I wish I'd been in today. I don't like the fact that I was able to convince myself that today was just not worth staying up for.

I spent the day waiting for it to be over... I've never found school to be particularly Eden-like, but I was silently gnawing myself to get the hell out of there. I think MBK was able to pick that up (she didn't seem to understand why); I wasn't near Kristen or Linz enough for them to see... Danielle was absent, so there was nothing there either.
While I spent quality time with Maria, Priscilla, Mell, Tara, and Robin at lunch (Priscilla and I successfully managed a double candy bar steal from Tara's fund-raising box o' chocolate), it was a bizarre written-down conversation between The Troublemaker (name coded to protect the sometimes-innocent)... I learned lots more about his sex life than I really planned on... We're not really good friends, but I think him finally being "out" to someone in school has made him find some awkward trust in me. Endearing, really. I'm still not about to flush out my Brandon/Logan troubles to him. No, I'll save that for the nameless viewers of my Live Journal (and possibly to the actual them, should they wander upon - the link is in my Dent signature...) With the Troublemaker, it's usually about sex: he doesn't like to talk about it, but will write at length. Most fascinating.
However, Brandon and Logan were all on the mind today. I made some masochistic mix cd to remind me at every corner... Comprised of "1000 Miles", "All You Wanted", "Tear in Your Hand", "The Long Grift", "Everything You Want", "Narcissus", "Can't Get You Out of My Head", "Outta Me, Onto You", "I Can't Be With You", "Never Gonna Be Your Baby", "Valentine Song"... 20 tracks of utter madness. I'm glad I made it; I have different thoughts on each song. I've decided "The Long Grift" is sent off to Logan, hence why it's a "Mostly-Brandon Mix CD"... I don't have much resentment for Brandon, really. I think I realize that when I was talking to Linz at like 12.00 in the morning... I'm mad mostly at myself. I don't like what I didn't say to Brandon, didn't say to myself, and didn't face up to. Am I still in the middle of being really fucked up because of it? Yeah, I can't avoid that right now. I wonder if I'm really in the right frame of mind to offer anyone a valid boyfriend relationship. Would it truly to be fair to anyone, to have them essentially be the erasure of the pain that speaking to Mr. Kentucky and Mr. Michigan ended up to be? I see it as rather selfish.
It's hard to be selfish these days.
All around me are my friends with just as valid problems. I'm worried for them, even if they don't see what they've done as cause to be worried.
Still. I'm stuck. It really bothers me. It's petty, irrelevant, and very annoying. For every fake relationship I've had I'm very much aware of others in pain for the real ones that crushed them. I offer them support, but all the while, I'm thinking of my own shit. It's a ripple. I'm eighteen. I have years ahead, gods be willing. There will be further heartbreaks I'm sure, and I'll wonder maybe "What was I doing obsessing over this jpeg?" And really, that's all they are. Jpegs and... really... really... really nicely formed sentences that sent me flying because I thought they were the most precious.
I've been absorbing all the gay attention. Any boy takes notice, I am on a high... Even the Gay Ghetto Whore from Rocky, who I had no interest in... I was flattered. Flattery is getting me in trouble these days. Jill said that I was doing the same things over again with Matt (the "latest Dent boy"... I make it sound like an exclusive calendar role call") who I've spoken with on ICQ enough to times to be interested in speaking again but few enough times that I can still count using my fingers. Cute. Very. Me cute? Allegedly. Boyfriend? Uh, no. Vancouver. Now I'm setting myself up for sexy Canadians. That play piano. And find me attractive. The rarity of that situation. And I'm not talking about the location; it's always been far from me.
It's easy to say it won't happen; I won't fall.
Yeah, and didn't I say that about Brandon? In fact, I started talking with Brandon friend-like when I was still talking to Logan.
I'm in some vicious circles. Vicious. And I draw them myself.

I am cute, apparently.
Thank you Willow.
Thank you Danielle.
Thank you Genevieve.
Thank you Linz and Kristen and Teresa and scads of others who have said so.

I still like it when boys say it.

Speaking of boys:

I thought I'd have a Valentine this year
I thought he would be whispering in my ear
I thought I'd have a dozen flowers to smell
And maybe we'd throw our coins into a wishing well

And I thought for once February would have no fear
Oh I thought for sure I'd have a Valentine this year

Oh I loved you and showed you every day
Why did you have to leave me when I needed you to stay?
You had so much power and I liked it that way
Your kisses always captured me when I didn't want to play

And you're gone
And I'm all alone
And all I need
Is for you to come home

And now you're gone
And I'm all alone
And all I need
Is for you to come home

And I wouldn't need a dozen of anything
If you would just come back to me
No, I wouldn't need a dozen of anything
If you would just come back to me

I thought I'd have a Valentine this year
I thought you would be sitting right here
And for once February could start with no fear
Oh I wished I could be your Valentine this year
Oh I hoped you and I would always be near
Oh I wanted to be your Valentine this year

http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/27/carrie_engdahl.html

I'm not really sure what to say. I have always been aware that Brandon lives in Michigan. Aware? Fuck, I mention it in almost every post. So, for me to actually say I expected a relationship, like a real realtionship, with him is ludicris. Still, I really like him. Liked him. Like him.
Brandon is no longer single. He's now dating some Brad he's been talking with "for a few months" and only last week did it become a real dating situation. They're going to see Garbage together in April. I'd ask him if Brad was/is an online thing like his last boyfriend was. However, right now, I don't have many words for Brandon.
He wasn't ever mine, we both know that (you, the reader, know that as well). I hate the fact that he's no longer single. I really hate that. I told him I was glad that he was happy. And really, really I am. I just wish his happiness didn't have to come from that.
What's worse is I don't think I can tell him that I really liked him. After all, I feel kind of strange about that. He's from an online conversation universe. We've never met. Probably never will (epecially now). He doesn't know very much about me and I really don't know much about him in the great scheme of things. I forget when we started talking. A few months ago. Maybe December or late November. I remember talking to him about Logan being not who he said he was, so it must have around then (as Logan and I stopped speaking in mid-December).
So why am I so affected by this news? Why does this even matter? I'm not in a relationship with him, I don't feel betrayed or taken advantage of. If anything, he was more forthcoming than I was. He's barely flesh to me.
I'm barely flesh to him.
What makes this probably worse is that I am making a big deal out of this. I really don't know what to say to him any longer. I'm not shallow enough (not enough) to say that I only talked to him as a perspective boyfriend. I also kept the knowledge of his far-away-ed-ness in reasonable distance of every mention of his name.
So why do I feel he's suddenly that much further away?

So, Saturday was a little awkward. I think it went well in terms of performances, but behind-the-scenes from undoubtably stressful for some people. Something like that for me as well.
I love Willow, really I do. However, it'd be easier if conflicts she was happening didn't involve people I'm friends with. I don't mean to be selfish; it is much more difficult for her. I just feel sort of awkward. I feel like talking to Ally or even Sean in a friendly way would make her mad. I don't know if it would or if it should. However, guilt over being friends sucks. Even if she were to tell me that it doesn't offend her probably wouldn't help. Apparently I have loyalty issues. I love y'all, damn it. And, Willow, find peace in the depressing music I gave you.
However, in terms of SHOW, yeah, I think it went well.
I had a few fans in the audience, which was strange. I especially had one who I refer to fondly as Gay Ghetto Whore. He could not have been older than 16. However, he was fairly flirtatious, but not even to me, but talked about me to others like Nate. It was strange. I can't explain it but it was slightly exhilarating. Maybe (maybe?) it's from me never being considered attractive from other guys (Nate doesn't count; maybe he should, but he doesn't). It's not even like this guy appealed to me (except in that gay-ghetto-whore kind of way). And, really, if I were a gay-ghetto-whore kinda guy, maybe I'd stick my tongue down his throat like have the girls(!) in the audience.
I found the attraction amusing and very unhealthy. Needless to say, it was an ego-boosting night I reeeeally liked.
Haven't talked to Brandon recently (or been to the Forumz in a few days) but spoke with new guy Piano on Fire. Nothing exciting thus yet, but seems like an interesting person, and he appraoched me after reading some of my posts so he knows some of my interests and opinions (and still called upon me!) I know nothing of him really 'cept he lives in Ottawa.
Kentucky. Michigan. Ontario. I am so good with boys from locations nowhere near me.
Let's hear it for the Dent Boys. The sincere ones.

I saw Hedwig and the Angry Inch today! The movie, not the band... I was fascinated with it... It is an amazing movie... Everyone go rent it! But don't listen to anyone; even if you like "Rocky Horror", don't think of it when you get it. People are on acid if they're comparing the two. Two drag queens do not a parallel make.
Um, a few seconds ago I used the word "boyfriend" in relation to Brandon on AIM. I did it in jest and used in a future tense and with the words "if ever we get together..." I don't know if that made him uncomfortable or not, but it must've done something to me to make me even think of it moments after typing it.
I'm not sure how I feel about that.
It's not like we're dating. We're friends, right?

Ok, so the day is dwindling down...
I took an Algebra II exam today which did not at all resemble the study sheet she gave the class. I have nothing more to say about that.
Nothing very exciting today. Wrote some unconcious thoughts today, though... "Will you want me even after/You've met my family/Would you even want me even after you've met me". Give that up to Brandon. And give it up to non-imaginative writing. By the way, he (Brandon) wants an entire entry all by himself. It's endearing really. He'll read this, so I have be nice. He's sweet. After all, he's allowing me to download a really long file off of AIM with his cable modem and my shit 56k. Now, that's sweet! As long I don't lose my connection or something 'cause it's stuck in the 30 percents right now... Sigh.
Saw my first "glimpse" of Logan again today... I finally went back to the Forumz. I know I promised myself I Don't Care. And I don't. He's still not on my buddy list. Still, I devoted several months to his insincerity, so it's hard to cut it off completely. He'd not been at the Forumz in months so this was a surprise. I'd taken the last few weeks "off" after being there every few minutes for weeks on end. I finally gave up on the "Single Toriphile" thread that was there... I can't deal with it any longer... I don't have the patience for reading that far back. It's up to I think 60 some pages. In any event, yeah, Logan was there.
And I resent myself for actually writing that.
I also responded to this reeeeally late private message at the forumz from FatherLucifer... Said I was cute. This was in like September. I'm great at correspondence, you know that? Wrote him back to say "Yeah... added you to my ICQ too and you never signed on..." Which is what happened really. He apparently was interested in talking then, maybe still now.
And I also private'd Adna again. I miss her. She never goes on AIM, my preferred method of talking with EWFs... Ah well, maybe sometime soon. We've got lots to catch up on. She had some medical stuff apparently and I'm very curious as to how she's dealing with that. And of course my drama will keep her busy.
For drama, this day was pretty dull. Rocky's tomorrow. I'm a Transylvanian although apparently I had a shot at Brad until things were cleared up at the last minute.

---

fair boy, your eyes haunt me.
(tori amos)