Experienced tough money problems, but I got my check. After a few overdraft fees, it's not as substantial as it once was, but there's always Friday. I will be a traveling fiend starting Friday, anyway, and will likely need the cash considering I will be going to Somerville to see Dad & Michele and then Andrea's show; staying with Andrea on Friday, then (I think) going to South Jersey and then to Connecticut on Sunday. Or we're going directly to Connecticut on Saturday, which is more likely. But I honestly have no idea.

Pop Pop's 80th birthday is on Sunday and I will be there for it. It will be ice to see both he and Mom Mom as I did not have the opportunity to see them in April, and I will not have an opportunity to see them any later than now in May.

This is a big week. I have to:
- get together with Sandy and Genevieve to complete our number for Rockstars and Strippers
- get together with Randi to complete our number for Rockstars and Strippers
- firm up and complete the setlist recording for Rockstars and Strippers to send out (I made myself a promise that every show's music would be set no later than a week before the performance)
- nail down the other R&S people and make sure they and I know what we're doing
- e-mail Jamie from R&S to make sure we know when we go on
- work on the Wonderland script for June so when I come back from Connecticut, I get those voiceovers started
- finalize the setlist for Rochester's show and tell everyone what they're doing (and be certain who will actually be there). Alas Rochester's throwing a gear in my wrenches by asking for the music sooner than 1 week before. I've worked with less in less time, so I'm not crazy in hell about that, but I just gotta do it.

...and that's just burlesque. I have crazy work stuff to do that will hopefully involve upwards of 3 signed contracts. More nailing people to the floor, really.

I did enjoy some relaxation with Angie on Saturday, where we also determined what she'll be performing for R&S (and probably again for Rochester) and also Sandy, who I never did get to talk to about what we're doing. But we all hung out, drank a lot, watched Practical Magic and The Devil Wears Prada (the former Sandy had never seen and the latter Angie had never seen). We all got reasonably blitzed, but not sick (bonus for not throwing up, points lost for that meaning all those calories are still inside me... ah well, life's booze's a trade-off).

Sunday was quiet, more or less. I spent a lot of time just listening to the Scissor Sisters, and wandering the internet. Then watched a lot of The View on TiVo. Due neither to Scissor Sisters or The View, I was pretty funk-tastic, and just feeling fairly low.

Monday's already here. I should get to sleep.

Complicated, tough week. I was on the verge a few times and actually fell off it one night where I basically just sobbed myself to unconsciousness. It had been a while; I'll consider it therapeutic.

Through the jimble-jambled emotions, I experienced another HOH performance at Randi's last show, had a 2-day tradeshow in East Stroudsburg, PA that may prove to be quite useful, learned that Pop Pop had made a turn for the worse and then made a full recovery within days of panic, and generally felt overwhelmed by everything.

Here's to a better week.

I had dinner with Joyce tonight. The dinner was nice, despite the car ride that reminded me why I never liked her driving me anywhere (she gets anxious and tantrum-y when she doesn't know where she is). We spoke about things going on in my life, the most prominent of mine being the HOH disaster, the Matt fiasco, the work stress, and the true blessing that is WEBS.

Cheers to the Elephants, whether it be on stage or off; it is they that got me through 2007 when no one else could.

Dinner with Joyce was the first of the December Festivities of Uncertainty. The only thing I know for certain is I will be in Connecticut for Christmas proper, which I am looking forward to, predominately so that I can be catty with Amy, Michelle, and Wendy. I have invitations from Dad and Michele as well, and from Amy2 and Andrea for other December days. I don't know what to expect day-to-day anymore so I'm not sure exactly what Matt is doing.

Jamie is back in New Jersey after deciding that Guadeloupe turned out to be a lonely, frustrating, and barren wasteland. I understand this decision.

Work in the morning... much to do and worry about. In addition, I've got to score presents for the holidays and several of them have to be in the next week or so if I am in fact seeing other family members before Day.

I still haven't finalized my plans for Christmas... It's not even a holiday I celebrate, and a lot of people want a piece of me. And I want to cram as much without driving myself crazy. With Matt gone, I was certain that I would be here, alone, and potentially happier for it (as opposed to doing something, anything else at all). Maybe I was punishing myself, or doing a quiet dramatic; it's still an option that I actually wish I could take. However because I do enjoy the time and company of others who will be available at that time, I don't think it's going to happen.

My ideal plans were to somehow get to my parents' in South Jersey, and then travel with them to Connecticut for the grandparents, and then go back to South Jersey and spend the time there with them and my step-sisters and get my sarcasm on, and to come back with Andrea. From the look of it, none of that fits with anyone else's plans. Dad and Michele are going to Connecticut on Wednesday (when I need to be back to the work). Andrea is going to be in South Jersey from Monday to Wednesday. The first visitation isn't the most important place (be it Connecticut or Cape May), but I don't know if I will be able to get to Connecticut at all.

I will disappoint at least someone. I already have.

Matt and I went to see Andrea in Nunsense last night. I haven't seen Andrea in a show in a long while, and this was I think her largest role yet, as Sister Hubert. She was amazing... I had no idea that she could sing as well as that. She was always talented, but she became a soulful black woman right in front of me. She killed "Holier Than Thou;" it was awesome.

The rest of the show was very good, too. It's an entertaining show.

Michele was also there, so the four of went out to eat afterward, at the Sun Tavern (also in Westfield). We ate and talked for like 2+ hours, about lots of things, like work, and homosexuality, and houses, money, and just stuff in general. It was really nice, since that doesn't happen too often.

Tonight, Michelle and Amy are supposed to come to Rocky Horror. I'm a little bummed that I'm Brad, 'cause I wanted Riff Raff. But I have hopes for next week, and I'm working off of Danielle, who I haven't played with as Brad and Janet in a very long time. There aren't any Transies, though, and that sucks... I'm really hoping the audience has some energy. Small cast nights are always instant death.

I spent my Easter Sunday with the jews. It was Season Pass Day at Six Flags yesterday, and the park cross-promoted it with a specific Passover event, so it was strewn with Hassidics and Kabbalists. And let me say, that there are some Hebrew hotties out there.

Matt and I go to Six Flags for Easter, now traditionally (2nd year). It's the day Season Pass Day's always on, and Easter has never been a big holiday for me since I was under 10. Before, I would spend the day with my family and their family, meaning my sisters and their mother's family. It was the only real time of the year that would remind me that my sister were actually "half-sisters" (an technically accurate, but in my eyes awfully incorrect, considering their lasting impression upon me). They would go to their aunt's (mother's sister) house and sometimes I would go, too.

At some point or another, almost definitely not til after I moved with Dad, Sharon, and Joyce to New Jersey, I stopped attending. They were, and as I understand still are, some of the nicest and most accepting family members anyone could wish to adopt for an afternoon.

I would forget a lot of the time that my sister had this whole extended family I had no blood relation too. It likely felt the same way whenever my own mother's parents came over and showered love and presents upon Bart and myself, and ignored them entirely.

I've never been the Yay-Jesus type (he was entirely well-intentioned, from what I can figure, but a little self-important and if the Bible's accounts of his pioty are true, well, kinda arrogant and delusional), so Easter was never a deal of any size for me, other than it meant I'd probably eat like four hard-boiled eggs in a row, only minutes after dunking them in vinegar and colored tablets.

I kind of forgot about Easter when I stopped going to church (about age 13, 14) and not because I stopped believing. I just never really got it. Religion is still a very finicky thing for me, and even as a pagan, I have to remind myself that it's a lot of work. It really takes a lot of time, energy, and practice. It's very easy to get lazy. Which is probably why when it comes to the Jesus events, there's a lot of them. They don't give you breaks; you might get comfortable. With your Christmases, Lents, Easters, Pentecosts, and what have you (and if you're Catholic, you get even more, especially with his mom), you're kept pretty busy. I'm trying to maintain a consistency with the group and rituals, so much in fact, I have to remind myself on occasion that I am capability of doing gods-stuff outside of specific holidays. I don't want to get lax, and I know I've got lots ahead; faith seems ultimately worth it.

The last few days have been a whirlwind.

In short, very overwhelming. I really just haven't had the energy to post about it. And still not. Unfortunately. 'Cause I've really got a lot to say.

I saw Mom Mom on Thursday. She was so much better than I expected/pretended to expect ('cause I didn't know how to expect anything!) Matt and I were actually there for about five hours. Longer than I think Matt expected. I, once again, didn't know how to expect anything. Partially because, well, Matt was the driver.

Pop Pop is sick. I'm still getting used to the regular cold/sick-type thing actually being very serious for older people. And I'm still getting used to Mom Mom and Pop Pop being older people. A consolation, though small, is that I think they've come to realize it. It's not a shock for them. Pop Pop and Mom Mom almost seem resigned--not "giving up," mind you, but resigned--to the fact that they will get older and sometimes get sick.

My father hasn't gone to see them. I'm letting that just speak for itself. It's insufficient for me to just shake my head, with my going skyward... It's appalling. I just haven't figured how to appropriately react to that.

Errrrrm... After that, there was snow. Angry snow. It stopped Rocky from going forth, which was frustrating, and was the basis of an argument-through-cellphone with Matt, which was far more frustrating.

Between that, though, was the Wicked Winter Renn Faire. It went. It wasn't very organized, as no one seemed to really know what everyone else was doing, but it went. Michael, Christian, and Genevieve performed The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged) (as in the Reduced Shakespeare Company's signature show) and it went off beautifully. Accolades to them, Johanna, and Danielle for making that happen.

Grey's Anatomy broke my heart. Desperate Housewives was awesome, too.

Well, this whole thing has been awfully disjointed. Good enough.

I'm going to see Mom Mom tomorrow. She's still at Madison House, the rehab. I'm a little, ok, a lot anxious about it. Never been able to comfortably deal with my grandparents' aging.

I saw Joyce tonight. And Craig. Which was random. He lives there now. He's teaching ESL at a college. Somehow. It's all very strange. I also saw Max, which was great. I kept calling him 40.

I go into more, but I am very tired, and think I'm starting to crash. I think I'll end this evening on the couch with some peanut butter cup ice cream and call it a night.

Thanksgiving came and went as it does: without much fanfare.

Spending time with my father, Michele, Michelle, Sharon, Daniel (and later Amy) was great, though. Ayla, Michelle's 9-month old daughter, is beautiful. Daniel is adorable. Damien's awfully hyper-active, as per the norm. And Crow still amazes me with his vocab and speech, every time I see him... I very much remember the shy boy uncertain how to express himself, from years ago.

Aunt Sue was not there; they had Thanksgiving at their house. Emily will be going in for another round of chemotherapy.

I am incredibly out of the loop; Amy2 and Chris are getting divorced... I had no idea, and they've been separated since February and sold the house. I need to call my father bi-weekly and actually ask this stuff. It's not thrown at me. Andrea's apparently got a boyfriend, which is great, and I look forward to seeing her, Amy2, and my parents again at Christmas time.

One of the better lines was from the day was when Amy asked Crow what he and Damien had in common, as in what they played when they hung out. Crow said "We both like Life," but I'm not sure he meant the game, because he followed that up with "It's not like we're goth."

All-in-all, good. I'm just glad it's over. Generally how the holidays go.

Pop Pop called last night... I was going to call him my grandfather for a second... I've only really ever done that for other people. I've realized only since 1992 (when I moved and got new friends) that no one I've ever met also called their grandfather on their father's side "Pop Pop." I still do. Everyone does. Even my parents, their son... Anyway.

He called. He got to the point quickly-- he wanted to know if I was going to Connecticut for Thanksgiving. I panicked. I said yes. And I do want to go, in theory. Problem is, I'd rather be going five or six years in the past. But I missed last year and had a fabulous time having a Thanksgiving hosted by myself and Matt... Maybe we can still do that. However, it meant not seeing Amy, or my parents, my nephews, or any of my other family members that I rarely see. I used to love Thanksgiving and other holidays. Recently, it just seems like a good excuse for cloning. Where do I go?!

However, we will be in Connecticut for Thanksgiving proper, probably staying at a ho-mo-tel because I don't want to even deliberate sleeping at my grandparents' house with Matt. And then we go back. Maybe we'll even had a friends-Thanksgiving, too. I'm such a hostess. And I know that the Thanksgiving that we have at Mom Mom and Pop Pop's is a bit rushed and unfocused for Matt. We pile in, eat, pile out. We're not much with the inter-family mingling. We're all cliquey.

Michele called today, and we talked about Thanksgiving. They are going this year, which is relieving to me. I love my family, but I have about nothing in common with about three fourths of it. It's really that we all stopped trying to get to know each other years ago. We do the pleasantries ("How have you been," "How's school," "...work,") and that's usually the sum of it. And then we crowd around with our own umbrellas and talk like normal people.

I am also supposed to be visiting Michele, Dad, and Daniel before Thanksgiving, perhaps next week. At most it will be a Friday afternoon to Saturday afternoon type deal. Matt has too much work to do, and I don't want to miss next week's show 'cause a Livejournal acquaintance is coming and I requested Frank.

We shall see, but of course.

5 truths not worth sending to PostSecret:

1. When I was younger, I told my sister Sharon that I would never drink alcohol. She did, and she definitely wasn't 21 at the time. She liked it a lot. I was steadfast; I never would. She told me that I would when I was older, and that I would like it then. Never going to happen. Years later, I have tasted alcohol, and liked some of it. I think the reason I didn't want to drink alcohol was so that I wouldn't be like my sister. It was a step for me; I had always wanted to do what my sisters did. My sister had finally become a person I didn't want to copy.

2. I was asked in high school, once in freshman year, if I was gay. The girl was a ditz; she said it quietly when no one else was around, hoping not to offend. I flat out said no. That has been the one regret from high school that blurs out any others.

3. Even though I know the album credits say "This," I still write the song title as "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of These)" based on Annie Lennox's pronunciation, and what I sing as well. Although, if I can avoid it, I'll just call it "Sweet Dreams" on a tracklisting or something.

4. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I have too many ideas running through my head. Sometimes they are things I want to do with my life, and sometimes they are things I am afraid of. Usually they are the same thing.

5. There is a part of of me that is supremely guilty that I have had sex with people other than Matt, while I've been in a relationship with Matt. Matt sanctioned the activity, and has always been supportive/healthily encouraging (as opposed to pressuring) about them, and we have even been with other people, together. Sometimes I'm mad that Matt has been to sleep with others so "easily." I'm not sure whether it's feelings of being not important enough to be monogamous, or if it's envy that he can do it at all without overanalyzing it like me.