I feel like I let several days go by without acknowledging them. This is fairly true. Since my LJ is really the only journal that I have ever really kept for a length of time longer than a month or so, it seemed both natural and bizarre to not be writing in here daily. In high school, I would write several times a day about almost nothing.

I sort of cringe when reflecting on some of those previous entries. I know that I come off as whiny and needy a lot of the time in general (and that is because I am both of those things), but as a teenager, I was both of those things in addition to being so Fucking Sure of myself. These days, while I remain opinionated and steadfast (and perhaps meaner than ever), I am significantly Less Sure.

This past weekend was a strange bookending. When I started dating Matt in 2003, he began work on the musical Narnia for ATC. I saw the show, helped them move locations, but wasn't very. very involved. It was, however, the first time I was really involved in non-HOH community theatre since I was an adolescent. On Friday afternoon, the first of three performances for a new cast of Narnia, directed by the same woman at ATC but with high school students, went on. Load-out for the show was on the one-year mark of Matt breaking up with me. Equally, it was the one-year mark of the day before Zombie Night where things spiraled out of control on cast, as well.

I am not nearly where I expected to be, last year and 2 days ago.

I'm not Really happy, you know. I mean, I am trying very hard to "make the best" out of it all with White Elephant projects, being occasionally brilliant at work, or reminding myself that even if Matt and Jamie are having sex by themselves, it's still hot (I just don't get to see it anymore). But I still fear very abandoned by Matt, unappreciated by HOH, and generally complicated. It is not going away, and I have no real expectation for it to. I catch myself thinking of meaningless and important things from years ago that tore me up, and I shake my head, grind my teeth, and press on. I don't really hope for a better day tomorrow, just a different one. I like to think of that as hope.

But, well, I've never been one to "get over it." Pretty much ever. Especially in high school.

Important Situations:

Virginia: Saw the Dresden Dolls. It was the best show that I have so far witnessed. Standout songs included "Ultima Esperanza," "The Gardener," "Glass Slipper," "Immigrant Song," "In the Flesh," "Astronaut," "Night Reconnaissance," "Half Jack," "Say it Ain't So," "Mrs. O," "Mandy Goes to Med School," and "War Pigs," amongst others. It was a very fun show. My feet hurt a lot (I was dressed as Viktor and was in my increasingly more painful boots) but I very much enjoyed myself. I spent the weekend with Genevieve listening to music in the car and seeing her sister Christie, who I like spending time with as well. I saw a hockey game that had pink ice because it was a breast cancer benefit. I didn't really get it, but I enjoyed myself. I had a good weekend.

Rent: ...is closing. On June 1, it will close it's doors at the Nederlander. Rent is pretty instrumental to my senior year of high school; it will be both sad and odd to see it go.

Wicked Faire: ...is fast approaching. I have lots to do; it's all very daunting. I don't really want to think about it right now, actually.

2007: Still angry. I feel pretty hopeless about "the past" when everything about my present revolves around it. I still feel crazy about HOH, still in love, and work is still a bottomless pit of searching for money...

Part of my high school memories involve me staying at Danielle's house a lot of the time. So much in fact, I have considered Gail to be a somewhat surrogate mother and still make sure she gets a Mother's Day card.

Of the constants at Danielle's house: Chris, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Clue, sing-a-longs, deep thoughts (well, we thought we thought deeply), and much discussion regarding Danielle and Chris' pets.

Sigmund (who I frequently referred to as Possum for a number of reasons: his shag when Gail had him sheared, his habit of flopping on the floor without warning and being instantly asleep) was Danielle, Chris, and Gail's dog. He was as much of the family as any. He was put to sleep on Tuesday after a long bout with multiple medical issues. He will be missed. The lack of his presence makes their house a different place.

Love to the Werner family.

Six years ago today, I graduated high school.

That night I saw Jake--my first boyfriend--for the last time, and played Brad at the annual Anniversary Show.

Mind-numbing boring day... Few calls, and none were for me, Matt went to sleep early, Maria was out most of the day. Normally this is fine, fine, fine but I just wanted to go to sleep. I'm not even tired, just bored.

Meanwhile... on a purely work-related visit to MySpace (uhm, yeah), I actually discovered two former classmates of mine who have their music up on the site. Their hip hop aspirations are on their way to being reality. It's all pay-per-song studio time without a label, but it's impressive. While I was never friends with them exactly (or much at all), I was awestruck by the lives of people I've forgotten about, and have probably forgotten me.

Time for food.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006 - 2 killed, 4 hurt in Somerset blaze
A 21-year-old Franklin Township volunteer firefighter and a 75-year-old woman were killed this morning in a house fire that also left at least four other firefighters injured, authorities said.

Kevin Apuzzio, a Rutgers University student, led a crew of five firefighters into the home in an attempt to rescue residents Betty and Bill Scott, but the first floor collapsed amid their search and Apuzzio was trapped inside, said Wells Wilson, spokesman for the East Franklin Township Volunteer Fire Company.

[...]

The four other firefighters in Apuzzio's search crew also suffered injuries including minor burns and smoke inhalation after the first floor collapsed, Wilson said.

[...]

Apuzzio was a criminal justice major at Rutgers and had graduated from Union Catholic High School in 2002. He was a peer leader and an emergency medical technician at his high school, said Assistant Principal Karen Piasecki, who taught Apuzzio history.

"He was a great member of the Union Catholic community," Piasecki said. "He was just such a likable kid. Everybody liked Kevin. He was just really a great young man."

--Matt Dowling, The Star-Ledger

I just read this on Linz's Livejournal. I went to school with Kevin. I think I'm very much in shock about it... I knew him somewhere between friend and acquaintance. I saw him every day at school, spoke with him almost every school day... I actually have photos of him at the senior retreat... I've seen his profile on MySpace, not sure if I should friend him or not (a tricky situation when the people you knew 5 years ago have probably changed as much as you have)...

This... freshman...sophomore...junior...senior in high school... was leading a group of firefighters... What?! How did that happen? Kevin was a good guy. He was funny, but was never offensive. Catholic, but never exclusive. A genuinely nice man. And a hero, when all is said and done.

This is truly terrible news.

Asked anonymously.

14. What is something you are most proud of?
( Read more... )
You, too, have the power to ask.

I moved the couch upstairs... put some bookshelves in their proper places... books in those shelves... Before all of that, I vacuumed the floor... I got sidetracked for a good 30 minutes staring at my yearbook. Lots has happened since 2002. I kept going page by page and thinking "Wow, they look familiar." With good reason... I saw them a few hundred times each for more than four years.

It wasn't even the expected "nostalgia." I was more curious about the people that I wasn't really friends with... Sorta-friends with... People I kept away from like they were wasps.

I am insanely curious about some of them. Who else is gay? Who got pregnant? Any STD's or drug possession charges? Got married, even? Hit the bottle right after graduation? Botched plastic surgery? Best friends who now hate each other? Has a really boring, uneventful life in retail? Most importantly: do they wonder what happened to me?

A U.C. friend of mine just broke up with his boyfriend of over a year. It was a tumultuous relationship and for a while it always seemed like they eventually would, but it still a surprise... With affairs, lying, disrespect, and mental abuse, I'm actually very got he managed to get out alive... I hope he soon recognizes that (he seems to now; but he's still in a bit of a rage; I'd like to think he can understand that calmly at some point).

Meanwhile - The phone was silent on my end. Typical, but irritating.

Other than that; not much else going on... Went through some of my stuff and I'm very happy I found some files that I had printed from my laptop before it died on me... I'm still missing a lot, but I'm glad to have found what I did.

Also I am Trixie this week. What on earth am I going to wear?

I'm not really sure... high school is officially over, but it seems so anti-climatic. Maybe it's too soon. I really have yet to appreciate it the way I envisioned that I would. Not only that, but I'm not weeping or even all that sad to leave it, either. I'm just so... blank... about the entire thing.
It went off without the metaphorical hitch: graduation day on Saturday... Over within 90 minutes. It was nice to see Amy and Dad and Michele (even if Joyce was a dismissive bitch to the fact that anyone else was there to see me - sorry, Amy... same coldness remains).
Lunch after we finally left (lots of pictures taken... I wonder if I will actually get to see any of them in the long run). Good to get through. There was lots of joy and sadness intermixed from friends of mine. Strength to Mell and Kristen (and anyone who was still hurting but chose not to show it).
That night... I'm still not even sure what the hell was wrong with me. It was a show were I had very minimal fun. Anniversary show, I guess a lot of pressure to do well... Emotional day, too, even if I wasn't really internally or externally projecting any... First time being Brad after two weeks of being Frank... Jake not being as available as I'd have liked (he brought someone - totally understandble)... Amy being in the audience... a stupid gag I had absolutely no interest in doing... just a lack of fun-ness. I haven't had that complete lack of comfort in a show since I was Transie with Willow (not that it was related to her, just that I remember me talking to her about it backstage).
In the end, it was an okay show (those cheers at curtain call are getting louder) for the cast, even if several people wrote it off as a fuck-up-night (myself included).
CAST
Willow as Janet, Louis as Rocky, Danielle as Magenta, Teresa as Trixie, Genevieve as Dr. Scott, Sean as Frank, Carrie as Columbia, Gamsby as Riff Raff, George as Brad, Angelo as Eddie, Larry as Criminologist; Jen, Liz, Jason/Gary, Marc, Nate as Transylvanians; Tech: Michael, Angelo, Jason, Teresa, Erin.

Sunday was Great Adventure day... Fun with Genvieve and Gamsby and Danielle and Marc... We sorta split from Willow, Nate, Larry, Chad, Gary/Jason, etc. at times... Fun was had by most, however.
Rides Check-List: Scream Machine, Medusa, Runaway Train, Skull Mountain, Nitro, Congo Rapids, Swings, um... others. I forget.

And now... to the shower I shall go!

I'm just so not wanting to get into depth.

Graduation Practice: C+
[not hell, but pointless. and sweaty.]
Ride to Six Flags: B
[poetry, singing, general okay-ness]
Six Flags: B+
[didn't do everything, but satisfying]
Ride from Six Flags: D
[people are stupid.]
Lock-in: A-
[hate to admit it, had fun]

Ack! I miss Jake. Now. Right now!

This quiz sucks; basically it has you pick who you want to be and then select all the answers that fit it... It's dumb, but here's who'd I be:



Which Rent character are you?


Anthony's cuter than that.

School is over.

I'm sleepy.

"Will and Grace" soon. Missed "Friends". Did Rachel have the baby or what?

Today was essentially the last day of school. Tomorrow's just yearbook/lecture day and next week is purely a formality. I'm almost gone. Almost.

Today was alternately wonderful, with sadness from Genevieve and Danielle mixed in... We seemed in better spirits at Episode II, where Mike, Genevieve, Danielle, Jake watched the kick-ass Yoda sequence (and, um, the rest of the movie) again ['cept for Jake - this was his first time... We were gentle. ;)]. I didn't think I'd enjoy watching it again so soon after watching it the first time, and Jake next to me was pretty distracting, but I really enjoyed the second time as well. I knew to look for things this time. If Joyce ever sees it with me, it'll make time #3 and probably not a bad thing, either. Even if the child actors suck and I hate Anakin's whining (AKA entire presence).

Besides that, we hung out at Toys R Us for at least an hour, mostly running around after one another and zippin' on scooters. We're a fun bunch.

Diner came after (Scotchwood) where Bohemian poetry came to pass (rather amusing really - I think I'll post it at CFR in a few minutes)... and lots of sexual innuendo. You know. The usual.

Eventually we made it back to Plainfield, were I said my ten minute goodbye to all, particularly Jake (who I'd barely kissed all day)... No excuses from me, I love him - and I won't be seeing him this weekend, which sorta saddens me; I've pulled Frank this week... So, I'm excited about that. And also kinda intrigued about what in the hell I'm going to use for dinner scene. Sean's clothes. WASHING NEEDED. And he's not going to be there. Hence, the basic concept of going nowhere near his dinner scene costume.
I might just wear my mesh long-sleeved since you barely see it anyway and it's about as accurate as the one I used last week (Carrie's)... Who can say, really.

In any event, I am just pretty tired and I think I may even be ready for slumber in a few minutes. Maybe.

We'll see.

Love to Genevieve and Danielle: "It will all find it's way in time."
Inadequate consolation, I know - still mean it - but, I love you.

Unadulterated bliss to Jake: "You spin me right round, baby, right round. Like a record, baby, right round, right round." Word to the 80s cheese. Word.

Obviously sleep is needed...

Today... second to last day of classes.
I really don't want to write about that. But it is.

In happier news, I finally wrote something new (albeit about school and it's cynical as fuck and needs editing) and FINALLY got the "Myra Ellen Live" version of "Icicle" by Tori - I am so, so happy. I know that means little to those reading this, but it's one of my favourite stories she's told before a song (at least of the ones I've heard in audio)... So, yay for Audiogalaxy! Chances are good to take!

Episode II again tomorrow - with Genevieve, Mike, Danielle, and Jake! Yay! Making my last day of classes worth it, they are. :)

So, ok, it's been far too long since I've posted an entry, but it's really not my fault... I've been otherwise busy... However, here's a lip-smackingly-good overview of said busyness:

Wednesday.
Something happened on Wednesday? Apparently something that prevented me from posting... For the life of me, I can't recall what it was...

Thursday.
Willow and Danielle picked me up and we spent an ungodly length of time at the truthfully rather amusing to stay at Bangles shop. I actually got my first manicure (I've gone days without biting... I'm so proud... Won't last...) and my hair dyed blue. Willow and Danielle got their hair gone purty-like and we went to Danielle's to await the arrival of other folk for the prom. Kristen was first, with Dan, and a vision in red was she. Natalie Portman comes to mind. Linz followed, simply beautiful in blue chiffon.
We made our way (after some failed attempts) to the prom place (I still don't remember where it was held... Crystal Plaza somewhere...) and made our entrance. There were those who looks gorgeous and those that looked arrestable (Rach-a-el... what in the hell were you sort of wearing?) and pretty much everyone glanced twice when seeing Willow on Danielle's arm.
There will probably further details at Danielle, Maria, Priscilla, Linz, Willow, and Kristen's journals (see Friends list 'cause I don't know how to do that fancy link thing to them) but let us say this:

- They played "The Time Warp".
- They played "Ray of Light".
- Tina (Rob's dominatrix girlfriend) rules.
- Linz, Danielle, and I stole napkins.
- Someone stole Maria's napkin.
- The food was good.
- I took home an unopened bottle of Diet Coke.

Ok, so there were other highlights, but most of them would sound utterly bizarre just mentioning without depth... But, yeah - good prom, good prom.
Then Danielle's house. Sleepy. Willow slept over. Kristen slept over. I slept over. There was sleeping.

Friday.
Bye, Willow for now... She went home. Linz got picked up some hours later 'cause we were lazy and stuff and slept really late.
Woodbridge... Yeah... So... we went to Woodbridge. Met John, Willow, and Christian there. Yeah... So... we went to Woodbridge.
::ahem::
Dinered after that at Tom Sawyer or something like that, with Christian. Cool stuff. :)
Headbanging occured in Kristen's car. That is what happens when you play "Bohemian Rhapsody".

Saturday.
Linz ended up sleeping over Danielle's, but something... I don't know, I still don't get it... Apparently she was allowed to but wasn't? In any event, she went home and then... came... back... I don't know... But, yay for her being back anyway.
We saw Episode II and I must say, it was superior to Episodes I and V... But that's all. For those that have yet to see it, I'll spare the spoilers. Just know that Yoda totally rules and Amidala has a kick-ass wardrobe. Oh, and I hate Hayden Christensen. He sucks.
Then it was off to Montclair for Rocky - which, I was happy about because, well... Look at the cast list:
George as Frank, Gary/Jason as Brad, Willow as Rocky, Genevieve as Eddie & Dr. Scott, Danielle as Janet, Marc as Riff Raff, Gamsby as Criminologist, Liz as Magenta, Carrie as Columbia. Transylvanians: Nate, Larry, Jen. Tech: Erin, Michael.
Apparently I was a decent Frank (some say the best they have seen) - Well, I don't know about that, but I was pleased with my performance.
Also during the night, I saw Jake, which was beyond gratifying... I miss him terribly and the fact that I don't get to see him every day is most annoying. So, we were all smoochy and stuff.
Dinering came after, and Bohemian poetry was read by Lea in such a beautiful fashion.

Sunday.
Everything is RENT. And that's mostly 'cause we saw it in New York that night... Excellent, and Mimi (Karmine Alers, Yassmin of RHS' sister) was remarkable. She just tore "Out Tonight" apart; it was wonderful. And "Over the Moon" ::Elsie pose:: was... moo... So utterly, utterly moo.
Then back to Kristen's.

Monday.
No school today, not that it mattered 'cause we didn't even begin to do anything til after school woulda been over. Senior Cut Day. Glad too, 'cause school is so not looking worth it right now.
Hung out at Danielle's... mp3'd and v-game'd... Saw "Hedwig"... I fell asleep somewhere during "Breathe through my mouth" and was taken to Dante's Tuxedos to return the rented tux. Stuff was apparently missing, and it was days late, but no extra charge.
Works for me.

And now I am waiting for Jake to call.
I tend to do that.

Sunday and Monday have both given way. It is now a Tuesday, which is rather close to Wednesday. Wednesday is, therefore close with Thursday, and Thursday is like a brother to Friday. Friday is the sub in the relationship, and eventually (even after hours of defiance) submits to Saturday. And Saturday is one wild motherfucker.

Today, today, today - I was bad and cheated on a math test. It's gotten to a point where I must pass everything to get past it all. I don't think I'll fail the class (my last three quizzes have been B, B, and A) but I'm in desperation to get a C or better. Desperate measures.
Religion... Took a test... It was actually our last real class... Next Tuesday is the exam and that shouldn't count, so... Fuck! I shall miss Ms. Grausam, really. Intelligent woman. Likewise, I shall miss her for Psychology as well, but I shall have her tomorrow for that class.
Avoiding Journalism work right now like some plague... For distraction, I can't practice for Rocky this week (I am playing Frank) because my VCR is broken and the other VCR is in a room of like 4 inches possible moving space... So, I may have to ask Danielle for some help on that tomorrow. Not expecting to really speak with Jake til sometime after 9, although some AIM conversation may happen beforehand... With each turn of my head, the necklace he gave me shifts... He is constantly in my thoughts.
Aware of my total lack of organization like never before today... Cleaning may result.

Dinner now. Later, perhaps.

R

You are restricted. Well done, you're now
practically adult in nature, and plus, you
get to see nudity - have fun.

"Which Movie Classification Are You?"
Test created by Jamie - take it here.

The day was full of distractions as Monday often is... The sleep is unkind, as dreams barely manage to emerge and then just as you are in complete gladness, a bell rings. It's annoying, class. :)

Saw a rather interesting documentary on Alice Walker (fascinating speaker, less than amazed with her, but I like listening to her) but it was badly edited. That was English. I miss Mrs. Carolan but I hate the fact that she left mostly now because she's giving us stupid work, the kind of work she herself called "stupid work" before she went off. I understand her leaving (that whole baby-in-the-stomach-thing) but what she's left us is just irritating.

Speaking to Jake is just making me all melty anyway, so it's all wonderful now. :)

In other news:

Find your emotion!

I don't think I like this one. I changed the one answer I was between choices and got "Fear"... Damn quizzes make me think too much.

I am extensively concerned for Genevieve. Her mom's not well and I wish her and Genn lots and lots of strength. Genn will also not be at the show this week (she was listed as "out" on the 30th, though... So I'm not sure when these medical problems started on). Regardless - all the best, babe, I love you.

This may also mean a push-back from her birthday bash, which I really know she was looking forward to, as we all were. I hope she can still hold it, not only for selfish reasons, but after this, I am sure she is going to need some serious fun. However, it's totally understandable if it's moved. I really hope everything ends up ok.

Well. That sort of puts everything into perspective; I guess in retrospect, I had a really okay day. And really, I pretty much did... I slept right through Environmental Studies (I don't even remember walking in that classroom) and Algebra was annoying but I was distracted anyway and wasn't really paying attention. I was coherent for Christian Life. I think. Geez, these last few weeks have made me just oblivious to my school work. Journalism I remember. English I remember to. Why can't I recall anything else? And we didn't really do anything in English except watch this crap BBC interp of "Hamlet" and make sexual innuendos for almost every line.

Spoke with Jake again today. Of course. Boy can make me smile. ::eyes dart around, mischeviously::

I'm going shopping tomorrow with Danielle. Well, "shopping". I have like $19 in total and at Hot Topic? Well, I might be able to afford a sock.

More later, maybe...

I am dreading school in the morning. Wednesdays aren't generally very bad, but I don't have Christian Life and that's one of the few classes I'm actually interested in right now. Plus the whole downside of Algebra and Environmental Studies.

Genevieve brought up some interesting points, some I may have to bring up with Jake. I love it when she gets all big-sistery on me. As much as I love Amy, Sharon, and Michelle, it's nice to have an extended one a little closer to home. :) I don't agree with everything she said (which she was open to) but I understand her viewpoint.

I'm so extremely happy about Jake being in my life.

Here's to good dreams.