Dakota

Six years ago today, I graduated high school.

That night I saw Jake--my first boyfriend--for the last time, and played Brad at the annual Anniversary Show.

Asked of me.

15. How would you know if someone loved you?
( Read more... )

Say what?

I'm in a weird scrambled mindset at the moment. I'm not entirely sure why. There's a lot going on, and yet today was pretty bare. There wasn't really a lot to do. Maria and Matt have been busy with wedding stuff, so neither was really working. Jamie was off today, so it was mostly me alone in the office.

I was sleeping over Danielle's house last night, and I came home a little after 10, through Genevieve's driving, and I went promptly to my bed to have a thirty minute nap. An hour and a half later, I was getting up from it. I kept putting the alarm clock on for another fifteen minutes or so there. I was extremely comfortable, as the bed really is, but it's hell to leave.

Tomorrow, Maria's wedding rehearsal is 6. I think I have to get fully ready for Rocky before then, because I don't know if we'll be returning to the apartment before the show.

Jake is coming to the show. About two weeks shy of three years since I've seen him last. I am really looking forward to seeing him, because of that. And then again, slightly nervous also because of that. I don't see ex-boyfriends ever. And he was the first. Yeah, I'm out of words with that.

Melissa Etheridge's version of "The Weakness in Me" never fails to make my nose tingle and my eyes burn.

Well, I've not been to sleep yet, but looks like I can get to hang with Willow and Danielle after all... So huzzah.

There wasn't really a lot going on yesterday... I was pretty tired and slept somewhat randomly (every few hours when I would finally give in). I made way online, Forum'd, checked LJs, and AIMed a bit with Heathyre and Steve. About an hour or two later, Heathyre asks me if she can give my screen name to someone else. I ask who, and it's the now notorious "I Kiss Boys" shirt-wearing JD (yeah, let's not think about the Heathers implications)... Looks like I got a new gay [mostly] friend (who unlike ones online - who I still totally dig is all flesh-like and stuff.) He's been to Rocky of course, and likes to give me what he calls "the look". I'm not running off to Vermont for a civil union anytime soon (nor am I pursuing a relationship), but it's nice to flirt but be friends.

I don't flirt with guys who like other guys, normally. It just doesn't happen. JD's very interesting, though... My age, the guy's been engaged once already... literary-ally smarty, and has an insecurity that is pretty endearing.

However, I'm still waiting for someone to call but this week has just made me wonder why I should even want him to. Happy two month anniversary to our break-up, though. Or Stage One (the "break"... the "up" was added by me the next day - as we all know).

That's about all there is to say right now.

your silence is giving me too much hope."

I have a massive headache right now... I woke up a few times during the night... Well, I did go to bed around 3... It was intended as a nap, that'd I wake up around six at the latest and I'd get food, etc. Didn't happen. I woke up a bit after nine. And then I let Max outside, came back in, went back to sleep. Around one I woke up again, and after just laying in bed trying to fall asleep, I suddenly had this pain the back of my skull... and I'm not one for headaches; I just don't get them that frequently.

It figures after yesterday and me telling Genevieve that I've never experienced a migraine. I still don't think I have, but this is plenty... It feels all sinus-y... but... in the back... of my head... Yeah...

Besides this, I'm not up to anything... I'm sorry that Chris has to leave his house, but I've yet to really form an opinion on it... I've never heard stories from any side that really matched up with one another, so all I can hope for is the best - whatever that may end up to be.

I think the Advil is taking effect... I wish I was still sleeping.

Wow, blast from the past... An unwarranted, unexpected blast on AIM, but he signed off before I could even utter the words Fuck off... Random moment... However, it did give me pause... How the fuck did he ever get my screen name?

In any case... I am awake and it's two in the afternoon... Do you know how long it's been since it was two in the afternoon and I was awake... I have been having scattered sleep patterns which led to maybe three hours of sleep this morning before I went off to Union County College to get my schedule and even a few textbooks. I'll give details on that a bit later, when I'm more enthused. All I will say is there is nothing like walking through college walls and just feeling four years old again. I just felt so... not there yet. But, normal stuff like that aside, it wasn't a horrendous visit. They are understaffed in some places and they apparently like to hire tremendous bitches with carpal-tunnel syndrome (I swear, there were two in the same office!)

I eventually collapsed into sleep this morning sometime after seven... I was tired, but more exhausted. When I'm online, I can surf random pages, visit forums, talk on AIM, e-mail, listen to mp3s, download programs and porn, hack into the Pentagon, and bitch on LJ. It's when I'm lying in bed that I just can't stop thinking. Worse than thinking about what's going to happen, I think of what has happened and that it'll never happen again. Something as simple as a kiss. Now, I had some excellent kisses with Jake. It was all that dramatic sparks and fireworks shooting off stuff... And it'll not happen again. If his silence is any indication, I will never not hear his voice, pre-recorded on a stupid voice-mail message.

I wish I had done more with him, talked about things, expressed more... I thought I was taking my time because we had a long run ahead of us. However, as much as I love/hate him, I'm never more lonely to hear that these last two months were some stupid mistake, he regrets it for all eternity, and that he loves me forever.

Would I trust him even if he said that?

I'm not a sadist; I don't want him to experience pain but this seeming good-things-only-all-other-things-no-no-no is ridiculous. However, it bothers me, even if it may be accurate, that I'm now in his perspective of a painful coversation. If he thinks I want to talk to him because I some misconception it'll be the verbal exquivalent to a trip to the spa... Well. I still want to speak with him.

i don't think it's particularly fair that i can be so affected by what other people think of me. right now i've got a stomach ache because of the way someone feels about me and it hurts. - [01 Jul 2002|10:53am]

Yeah, you're right, babe. It does suck.

I haven't been to sleep yet... I probably will collapse before noon, but at the moment I'm "cleaning my room". You can tell how good I am at it because I can type at the same time.

Ok, you caught me, I'm blowing it off 'cause I'm tired, but not sleepy and I really don't want to know what's behind my shelving at the moment. Plus, I have all day to do this, and I started the venture to do it so I have the wonderful ability to give myself a deadline whenever I damn well wish. Go me. Not like I have anything more exciting to pull me from it anyway. Well, besides the internet, and no one's around anyway, so I'm just posting actual babble from me as opposed to quiz results and lyrics, both of which I've posted in the last 24 hours.

As is the rule, I am lonely as befuck. And not in a "I don't have friends" kind of way. Nothing reminds me more of missing Jake (and who he was when I was dating him) then me not sleeping. I used to sleep so well when we were together, often dreaming of us more accurately together (as opposed to several miles apart). Now, I'm finding myself drifting from the computer barely before five a.m. and this time I left and then just came back. I don't want to go to sleep. I've been having these bizarre, upsetting dreams that I just can't place... I can't tell you what happens in them; they're just too abstract for me to recall.

This goes beyond the surprising cast-member-sex-dream, that I can chock up to my school-boy-crush and the fact that I'm so friggin' single it aches like a mofo... These other dreams are just so sinister. They bother me. And it's hot. So desperately hot. I hate it. I crave winter.

I'm not about to expect a phone call today, because yet another Monday's befallen me and he has work and then karate practice (if memory serves). So, he's home late and even if he wasn't, the phone remains just sorta dead. And it could be the internet being on; I really could blame that. However, I don't see what's stopping him from IMing (and he is online during the day) and telling me he wants to call. Well, maybe "wants" is stretching it. I sincerely doubt he "wants" to call me; boy isn't crazy. He knows I'm upset, angry, embittered, and at a general loss for answers. However, if he had called before, this would have hopefully been over by now.

However, I'm barely mad at him right now... Upon reading his last entry, I'm actually feelign sympathy. Substance abuse, which he's acknowledging but isn't doing anything about, has reared it's head to the point where it's even starting to bother him. He's getting drunk. He's no longer drinking. He's just getting drunk to get drunk. And that, my friends, is fucked up. At least he knows it. However, the boy is sixteen years old and he's already declaring himself an alcoholic? Fuck, Jake, what did you gain from leaving?

Ah, well, I'm getting bitter again. I had an okay weekend, generally satisfying until show time, and then rejuvenated. However, there's been an overcast since June that has just prevented me from ignoring (like I did before) that I didn't have a boyfriend. I was lonely, but at least then I didn't know what I was missing.

I hate boys.

I really want one.

Ok, well, it's nothing ground-breaking (yet), but I have succeeded in charming the Borders managers past two interviews and a bizarre phone "survey". I guess I'll expect a call this weekend telling me either a yes or a no. At this point, I'd like a yes. After all that, I really want a yes.

I also think the situation between me and Amy has come to a close. While nerve-wracking, I think this being our first real fight since I was in single digits for age made us both look at each other differently. Maybe not for the better, but it alerted us to each other human-ness, which isn't easy, since there is an unspoken (was unspoken) idolatry for Amy... She is the only sibling that I have ever looked up to and not regretted it. I have yet to.

Other than that, the day wasn't very eventful. The big shocking news was there was not a phone call. But I'm realizing that the liklihood that someone is going to want to talk to someone who continually bitches about the one who's supposed to call with smart-ass comments like "shocking news" in regards to his unavailability... well, why would he want to? Actually, why would he want to anyway?

I've given it thought. Well, obviously. But, I've given it thought in terms of whether or not I want a phone call. I do. Really. There's a stance that points out that there may be no point. Why drag it out? Why put yourself into the position where you will once again MELT after you hear his voice again? What if he does that fucking adorable giggle-verbal-smile thing... What if he just makes me cringe? And... what if he doesn't? The fantasy will be ruined! Um... Well, what fantasy? He/we didn't leave on good terms, so it's not like I'm clinging to some hope. He'd have to be who he was two months ago, and he's clearly not anymore (I'm sure he himself would agree, however we'd vary on whether or not it's for the better).

Also... it's been a while... I've run out of imaginary conversation ideas... He's completely unpredictable and I can't begin to imagine what he'd say at this point... However, I want to hear it. If just for the sake, that I still love who I was with. I don't think I won't be for a while. However, what Genevieve said tonight on AIM, struck a chord... I love what isn't there. And I can move on from that.

What's left, though, is talking to who's there. And I still need to do that. I would like to think it wouldn't be difficult for him to speak with me. However, he is definately avoiding it (or was before legitimate unavailability and then avoiding it again and more legitimate unavailability). I've made myself believe that it's because he doesn't want to fall back in love with me after speaking to me. I've also made myself believe he's waiting for me to become so irritated by it that I'll never want to speak with him again. Honestly, at this point, why would he want me back anyway? When we broke up, it was me that broke us up but he was the only one who wanted to. And he wouldn't.

I leave for Danielle's at three. He can call me tomorrow morning/afternoon. If he doesn't, it's another day. And the days are getting more and more distressing.

If he thinks he's protecting me (which he may think, but he's protecting himself in reality), he's not.

you're no match, no scratching hearts that no longer bleed."

Well, I find it interesting that he'd make a promise that he would choose to end up not keeping. How very unlike him.

"I'll call tonight" apparently means "I have tae kwon do, so I cannot call, and that ends at like 10.30 and then I have already a commitment to somebody else, but if I'm home before midnight, I'll give you a call."

I need to update my translator.

I inadvertendly offended Amy in my last post. I apologize, but it was taken in a manner that I had not intended and went further in terms of sarcasm and bitterness (from both of us) that I was not expecting, nor can I account for. I'm not sure why I felt so acidic. I just... did. And for that I apologize. Poorly chosen words and when confronted on them, I was just so not in the mood. Curious, but I think I've said all that I can say. At least, all that I actually mean.

Also today, I spoke with Michele... Wow, I have in the past in terms of telling her stuff, but this must've been for at least an hour on the phone. She shared with me an interesting story of her first engagement, and confirmed she and my father will indeed be attending on the 10th. That's cool.

And dialing Jake's cell number I shall be soon.

as you're invading this thing you call Love."

I didn't really want to go into depth about much of anything until I heard from Jake. Why bother, considering it seems he's convinced he doesn't want to speak to me until he's ready and is completely unaware that he's not the one who needs to be "ready". He had time. Nearly two months. If he hasn't put it into perspective at this point, why the fuck did he break up with me then? I'm pretty sure he knows why now. "Gods, he's obsessing this much after the relationship - he woulda driven me crazy!</i>.

Well, fuck 'em. That doesn't mean he's off the hook - the phone call awaits. When I say "fuck 'em", I refer to me saying I'll wait. Why? As if that'll change how I felt before it.

On Saturday, I had the distinct pleasure of Beach Night at Rocky - a lot of fun. Red flaming Speedo, let me just say that. Ooh, baby. I got little call-back ('cept from cast) but that's ok... the audience seemed rather comatose most of the night. All those artifical sun rays...

Saturday night I also took a much needed trip to the diner, where I had fun-fun-fun. CFR ruled as usual, and for once Genevieve didn't have to tabulate the check.

Home, woke up at 8.30 or so by Joyce... We drove to Union and I unabashedly slept in the car while Joyce preached at her church. I didn't get to actual sleep until long after four a.m., so I wasn't really up for an alternate theology. It was ok, though. We made our way to CT and I got to see my grandparents, which was swell. Mom Mom is recovering well, as unintentionally amusing as ever, I assure.

Amy came around and picked me up to hang with her, John, and The Boys (nephews Damien and Crow). That was cool; I read a Harry Potter selection to them for bedtime, watched Almost Famous (rent it), and got an awesome t-shirt from Amy that says "i like boys." I adore it. I watched The Big Lebowski mostly after Amy went to bed (we started it together) and actually finished. I'm amazed I managed. I thought it was utter crap, but that's ok; Julianne Moore was cool in it. I find Jeff Daniels really annoying though. And for the first time ever, I wanted John Goodman to just shut up.

Slept in my clothes and sneakers after maybe one? Maybe later, I don't remember. John was writing in the kitchen, Amy and the Boys had gone to sleep, and I sorta curled on the couch and had a dreamless night [at least I don't remember any... and I've been having some strange, rejection-based dreams recently... except for two really interesting sex dreams within the last week, one with a cast member of mine -which isn't exactly "new", but my faux-partner certainly wasn't in any of mine before; and one with Jake... The one with Jake ended with me not being able to find him afterward and me in the woods somewhere... Wow, that's got hidden meaning written all over it, doesn't it? ::eyes roll::] until late morning.

Went to an amusement park I've forgotten the name of (Compound Lake maybe? I think...) with John, Amy, and Crow (Damien was picked up by him mom [my sister, Michelle] earler that morning; missed her visit entirely due to slumber). I was expecting it to suck, but it was actually rather ok.

I am amazed by Crow (and Damien as well, although I didn't spend as much time with him)... He/they are not the same nephews I recall... They get older just as I get older... I forget this... I remember when I would say things and it'd go right over their heads. I'm not used to it not. :)

Home Monday night after introducing Amy to Dar [not personally] ("If I Wrote You" was on incessant loop for the rest of night), whom/which I hope she liked. I ended up giving her my mix CD, which I hadn't intended to, but I can always burn another copy for myself. Once again, I ended up not keeping a CD I burned; I'm consistent again with me pretty much never burning a CD for myself non-official-policy (just always ends up like that).

Tuesday was me getting blue highlights and hanging at Bangles with Danielle and the Bangles Crew. I like how my hair ended up, but I hope for darker colour next time, which Danielle tells me is possible. They just need to get another batch of colour-y stuff.

We went back to D & C's and watched Cruel Intentions, which Danielle had never seen and Chris had brought up he wanted to see again. I own the DVD, so I brought with me on Saturday but we didn't get the chance to watch it til then. Everyone seemed to like it, and both Chris and Danielle were able to hear "Every You, Every Me" and "Secretly" in the context that I originally heard them, which was cool.

So, then home. Got the new Tori songs from the promo CD. I am evil, but I'm glad. They're nice. Mostly. I have some mediocre feelings (the feelings are of mediocrity, not the feelings themselves are mediocre; but then again, perhaps they are) especially about "Pancake", which "everyone" is raving about over at the Forumz. I've yet to hear the full length "Sorta Fairytale, though.

Speaking of forums, wish me luck that the forthcoming Figg forum doesn't suck as much as the Aimoo one. Ack, $27 wasted on that one...

Well, this was something of a disjointed post with not lots about how I feel about anything. Short answer: I feel ok with everything's that happened.

It's what's not happened that pisses me off.

I had a rather positive weekend, and I will post about it the next time I am feeling positive.

Lack of... anything in response (see last post) is more than irritating. It's cruel and disrespectful. Humouring me would not be out of line.

I get that you don't love me.

Fucking tell me that you don't love me.

"Why" would be useful, but I'm trying to lower my sights.

but not the only way."

So. Maybe he forgot that I had that screen name. Or his other account wasn't working. Or he just didn't have the time to speak to me, wanted to check his e-mail for eight minutes, and then go, and call me another time.

Another time.

Really, if you don't want to, don't bother.

It sorta lacks point.

But at least tell me that.

P.S. - I won't be here this weekend.

This is getting highly frustrating.

Not a bad day. Although barely one of one. Slagged most of it off with sleep (strange dreams as usual) until (jeepers) 5 PM... I actually fell asleep sometime after 6 AM, though. So, yeah, sort of a balance there.

Applied for a job at Borders. Joyce is no longer gawking at the apartment-with-Genevieve concept as now saying "Well, if you want the apartment, you're going to need to...", which is better.

No call from Jake; but we've discussed it already (check the super-exciting LJ comments) so it should -hopefully- even out.

Plus, day out with the Kids + Danielle and Marc, so fun shall be had by all anyway.

Plus, I'm Trixie this weekend. Expect fishnet and pleather. All I got's to say. Mostly because I'm not sure exactly how it's going to go. But, no one's screamed "ew, no!" at the concept yet, so... And I can't really see myself enjoying any male Trixie with our cast, 'cept for Louis perhaps. Generally we don't have sexy male Trixies. We have gimmicky ones. Not that I think I'm a sexy male Trixie, but it's going to be a straight-performance. Well. "Straight". I'll avoid that.

I had a dream where Marc was also cast as Trixie. We argued over who was going to get it. I won, but he snuck out on stage anyway.

We'll see though, won't we.

Today wasn't much fun, but it wasn't really packed full of stuff to make it fun, or really that bad. There were some notable omissions (a lack of a phone call, but I'm sure that'll be once again accounted for) and a making of a Figg messageboard, but I didn't go to sleep last night.
By the time noon hit, I lay down in my bed and slowly fell asleep, too weary to wipe any tears away or really figure out why there were any to begin with. It was around one before I actually think I slept.

I woke up twice, but finally at about eight. I ordered a pizza, ate, and went online. This was my day.

I'm a little manic. I'm ok. But I'm not all at once, really. I'm not sure; I keep switching up, not staying very fluid. One could say "that's normal" but... normal for what? What's even happening?

I'm tired, I'm randomly un/inspired, have bursts of interest, hate sleeping, hate getting up, hate eating, eat randomly, hate the way I look, and I think I'm fine until asked or I think of it. Then suddenly, yeah, I'm really not okay with how life is.

<td>

I was supposed to hear from Jake today.

I didn't.

However, I could chock that up to him being strangely and inexpliccably unavailable. I've signed on three times already (til now) for 21 seconds to 3 minutes each to see if he was on, check my e-mail, and see if he was on AIM. There was a LJ post, but that was sometime around 6 and he said he was going to call. Nothing since then. Distressing.

I've been purposely avoiding being on the net to get his call... But, I suppose by this point it's not coming. At least not today. What's another day, right?

I have been listening to Tori's "A Sorta Fairytale" for over two hours. I adore it. I generally have songs on loop (particularly when I'm writing an entry for LJ) but this I've not even attempted to remove.

It's stolen, by the way. But I didn't steal it. I just downloaded the stolen song after it was burned off the stolen CD onto a harmless mp3. So, I'm like a guy who buys black market videotapes. I'm bad. But this is very yummy.

I haven't written since Friday. And Friday was an irritating day. I scowled and ranted and grrr-ed at Jake best I could (offline) but I never actually spoke to him about the ordeal. I've talked to Genevieve and Danielle about this. I don't want the last words he ever spoke to me being "I have to go now" in that squeaky-excuse-me-while-the-oceans-pour-from-the-eyes voice... Not that I didn't relish that sound in my darkest hour (not out of spite, but out of the concept that Jake actually FELT something for me... even if it was before that eventful Thursday where I was upset and he seemed to be just ducky.)

Well. "Ducky". Who can say. I'm not in his head. But then again, I'm not numbing the pain away, either.

This is just the way life has got to be. I can be okay with that, right?

Absolutely.

Sleep's coming to me in flashes. I finally fell asleep after trying for hours sometime after five. I don't know when I woke up the first time, but the second time I woke up around 10 and then again at 1.40 (I remember this exactly because I wanted to see something on TV at 1.30) and then... at 5.14. I don't know what is wrong with me. I just don't want to go to bed and I just don't want to get up from it.

. . .

Three months... Wow, I was holding him back.

Eat me.

I watched most of Showgirls. Or at least a very bad television edit of it... I'm not sure what possessed me to sit through it (although I missed some being on the phone briefly and running up and down the stairs to download stuff.)

Sucked, but it wasn't the worst thing I ever saw.

I am extremely uncomfortable right now. It's extremely hot and I find it rather amusing that someone's away message "notepad" icon on AIM irritates me so much. I don't know what I expected. I set myself up for this. I was hopeful, but each time I've invited the call, the e-mail, the instant message, I've concluded with the reminder that it's only an option. I can't force anyone to do anything, and why should he feel compelled to if it appears that I'm only semi-interested in a response.

Why should he feel compelled to if it appears that I am interested?