Dakota

Ok, well, it's nothing ground-breaking (yet), but I have succeeded in charming the Borders managers past two interviews and a bizarre phone "survey". I guess I'll expect a call this weekend telling me either a yes or a no. At this point, I'd like a yes. After all that, I really want a yes.

I also think the situation between me and Amy has come to a close. While nerve-wracking, I think this being our first real fight since I was in single digits for age made us both look at each other differently. Maybe not for the better, but it alerted us to each other human-ness, which isn't easy, since there is an unspoken (was unspoken) idolatry for Amy... She is the only sibling that I have ever looked up to and not regretted it. I have yet to.

Other than that, the day wasn't very eventful. The big shocking news was there was not a phone call. But I'm realizing that the liklihood that someone is going to want to talk to someone who continually bitches about the one who's supposed to call with smart-ass comments like "shocking news" in regards to his unavailability... well, why would he want to? Actually, why would he want to anyway?

I've given it thought. Well, obviously. But, I've given it thought in terms of whether or not I want a phone call. I do. Really. There's a stance that points out that there may be no point. Why drag it out? Why put yourself into the position where you will once again MELT after you hear his voice again? What if he does that fucking adorable giggle-verbal-smile thing... What if he just makes me cringe? And... what if he doesn't? The fantasy will be ruined! Um... Well, what fantasy? He/we didn't leave on good terms, so it's not like I'm clinging to some hope. He'd have to be who he was two months ago, and he's clearly not anymore (I'm sure he himself would agree, however we'd vary on whether or not it's for the better).

Also... it's been a while... I've run out of imaginary conversation ideas... He's completely unpredictable and I can't begin to imagine what he'd say at this point... However, I want to hear it. If just for the sake, that I still love who I was with. I don't think I won't be for a while. However, what Genevieve said tonight on AIM, struck a chord... I love what isn't there. And I can move on from that.

What's left, though, is talking to who's there. And I still need to do that. I would like to think it wouldn't be difficult for him to speak with me. However, he is definately avoiding it (or was before legitimate unavailability and then avoiding it again and more legitimate unavailability). I've made myself believe that it's because he doesn't want to fall back in love with me after speaking to me. I've also made myself believe he's waiting for me to become so irritated by it that I'll never want to speak with him again. Honestly, at this point, why would he want me back anyway? When we broke up, it was me that broke us up but he was the only one who wanted to. And he wouldn't.

I leave for Danielle's at three. He can call me tomorrow morning/afternoon. If he doesn't, it's another day. And the days are getting more and more distressing.

If he thinks he's protecting me (which he may think, but he's protecting himself in reality), he's not.

Not a bad day. Although barely one of one. Slagged most of it off with sleep (strange dreams as usual) until (jeepers) 5 PM... I actually fell asleep sometime after 6 AM, though. So, yeah, sort of a balance there.

Applied for a job at Borders. Joyce is no longer gawking at the apartment-with-Genevieve concept as now saying "Well, if you want the apartment, you're going to need to...", which is better.

No call from Jake; but we've discussed it already (check the super-exciting LJ comments) so it should -hopefully- even out.

Plus, day out with the Kids + Danielle and Marc, so fun shall be had by all anyway.

Plus, I'm Trixie this weekend. Expect fishnet and pleather. All I got's to say. Mostly because I'm not sure exactly how it's going to go. But, no one's screamed "ew, no!" at the concept yet, so... And I can't really see myself enjoying any male Trixie with our cast, 'cept for Louis perhaps. Generally we don't have sexy male Trixies. We have gimmicky ones. Not that I think I'm a sexy male Trixie, but it's going to be a straight-performance. Well. "Straight". I'll avoid that.

I had a dream where Marc was also cast as Trixie. We argued over who was going to get it. I won, but he snuck out on stage anyway.

We'll see though, won't we.