Today... yeah... seemed like a drag drag dragged out day. I can't say it was painful, just sort of... annoying. The fact that it had to happen. School, really. I'm a senior, the year is almost over, and I'm just trying to get the hell through each day. I suppose I should sit back and enjoy the distraction.
I'm not, though.
So. Yeah, I'm about to spill the guts. And you know I mean it, 'cause I hate that expression. Ok. So.
I was a sophomore before I really came to the realization that I did not like girls like my friends liked girls. I'd gotten to a point where I was lying about sex dreams in 8th grade, but I held fast to this bisexuality idea. It's worked for some of my friends... and more power to them. I can't find myself attracted so equally to genders. In fact, I find females great people, but I have really no interest in going near them sexually.
At all.
So, freshman year opened up new boy crushes, just as it opened girl crushes. There's no shock in my likeing Rachael in freshman year; half the male class did. However, there may be shock in my falling into some interest for the boy I "affectionately" would refer to as "Paper Bag" and now just Mike. He doesn't deserve coy code names. He wasn't the only one (I delusionally found a few of my classmates pretty cute; only a few have remained at all tolerable after knowing their personalities four years past), but he was the one with whom the infatuation lasted the longest. Shot through me in sophomore year, my year of estrangement with Linz and Danielle and Kristen. That was the "gay year", when I learned my own orientation, in some cases long after others did. Still.
I managed to make myself believe Mike's image in school was a cover (which it probably still is; his sister woulda killed him by now if it wasn't) but his outside world was what I wanted in on. His school persona isn't and wasn't all that inviting. I never approached Mike on an interested level. I got myself through seething with the angsty chicks I've learned to depend on for mood music.
Junior year brought me out to Linz and Kristen and Danielle plus valid others. Still, I was convincing myself that Mike was a no. Just a no. While his heterosexuality has been in question simply because of his playfulness and inability to realize when jokes go too far for comfort... he's not out, if he ever will be, or ever needs to be if he's truly just straightfully queer.
Yeah. So. I'd like to think that I "got over" him in junior year, even though I still sorta look at him still. Glances. Sometimes to wonder what I was thinking. He's one of those types who needs to talk constantly to remind oneself of why he shouldn't, otherwise making him just too pretty. And he is. He's not really that handsome, or even that "hot". He's pretty. He's a model. Really. Strange. Really.
Now. Junior year didn't give me many ideas. In that summer between soph and jun, I developed an infatuation with Zach and yet another Mike from where I worked. Cute, but ultimately unapproachable for either probable straightness (Zach) or completely dickheadness (Mike). I passed.
I don't know I really got into anyone in junior year. I remember at Rocky I thought Jason was cute (which he is, but knowing him further, I've learned to look past that) but I cannot think of anyone in real life. Outside of real life was Logan, boy from Kentucky from the Napster era. Screwed me up with elaborate lies that lasted from March to December. I don't speak to him any more.
He turned out to be a Dent Boy (a Tori Amos forum-goer) and less interesting than Brandon. Brandon lives in Michigan and is 20. Logan was 17 when we finally stopped talking. I was 18 when I "met" Brandon. Brandon was also a Dent boy. He was never meant to be anything more or less than a casual chat person on AIM. We had common interests (Tori, Garbage, etc.) and after Logan turned out to have claws, I may have leaped right into adoration with Brandon. It's less obession, more a consistent reminder that I don't have someone in my real life. I found the dangerous quality of being coy: you don't
tell someone you dig them, they might not know it! So, I "lost" him to another Dent boy (we're a vicious breed) who lives in New York. New York. I live in New Jersey. Brandon lives in Michigan. Distance between him and I is essentially the same as the distance between him and this new person. Clearly I was just as available and Brandon made his choice.
Wonder if the new guy saw him naked after only a few weeks of talking with him. Not that I'm bitter. Or about to admit that I didn't.
So. Future... Dent Boy Matt? No. Not going to happen. I'm calling off Dent Boys for a while. I've even (mostly subconsciously) stopped going to the Dent forum so frequently. So. Yeah.
Bring us up to speed with Adam. Yeah. Adam. Yeah, so he's a Rocky person. Cute. Brandon-like. Cute. Danielle shares the attraction. However, Brandon is a confusing sort of kinda-not-completely-hetero-boy. Where most bi-curious guys would presumably have an easier time dealing with a mental relationship with a boy, most would probably cringe at the idea of a physical (aka
SEX) with another boy. So. Adam does not fit this mold. If I really wanted to ravish this mature yet fatally 16 year old, I suppose I could. He'd apparently not mind it, in fact rather like it. One of the last things I need right now is a purely physical relationship now. I'm in some serious need for some gay boyfriend. Boyfriend, not fuckbuddy.
Not that Adam offered.
But he's had his arm around me, allowed me to kiss him during Rocky and didn't wipe the lipstick I was wearing off his cheek, moaned about as passionately as a man can without needing a change of underwear during our faux-fuck during "Toucha Toucha", and noticed my glances almost as soon as I make them. Extremely upsetting.
"I don't really know her, " Adam has said about Danielle when asked if he likes her. I know him less and I'm getting jealous over hand-holdings with other people? I'm sorry... as much as the early mentionings of Saturday may surprise you, I'm not very casual about other boys I like. I may have kissed him on the cheek, may have played with him during the show... but that took me further than I thought my hands would let me. I'm not Nate, who I'm sure has his own insecurities, but just as easily stick his hand down someone's pants.
I'm not sure where that leaves me. Or why I felt compelled to explode with some previous boys-I-like kinda info. I think I just needed to overview for myself. To remind me of the possible alternative: lesbianism.
contemplative