Complicated, tough week. I was on the verge a few times and actually fell off it one night where I basically just sobbed myself to unconsciousness. It had been a while; I'll consider it therapeutic.

Through the jimble-jambled emotions, I experienced another HOH performance at Randi's last show, had a 2-day tradeshow in East Stroudsburg, PA that may prove to be quite useful, learned that Pop Pop had made a turn for the worse and then made a full recovery within days of panic, and generally felt overwhelmed by everything.

Here's to a better week.

A very busy week... but I'm almost surprised that it's already almost 1/2 over. I've been working a lot, which has been compounded by 2 employees being out. Can't really fault them for that, tho: Genevieve is sick and Erin had a Gogol Bordello music video shoot. Otherwise, just post-show stuff.

Came back from Colorado, which was a successful, less stressful show. In fact less stressful then I can remember any others being. This may have simply been because it was just me and Matt... but on the other hand, you may assume that it would be the opposite. I think I just acclimated myself to how Matt and I work together.

Went to bed early last night (before midnight) but could not get myself to crawl out until almost 10 this morning. I think I have some slight sinus stuff going on.

I have a million things to work on, so I'm going to start one of them.

Getting drunk with customers = awesome.

Them paying for the drinks = awesome again.

In about 5 minutes am heading to Colorado Springs for tradeshow...

BUSY week. Several WEBS events in flux in planning stages, wedding stuff for Genevieve, plotting for this upcoming week ahead which will also be busy.

Still, it seems to get easier every time.

Other stuff:
- Wicked Faire was a big hit.
- Made a new friend.
- eLiz moved out.
- Anniversary and Valentine's Day came and went. I was too busy to be sad.

More to keep coming down.

Someone out there, give me strength.

Well, I have been a regular Writey McGee, haven't I.

Well. Basically I haven't wanted to. I've been busy, depressed, overextended, stressed, too angry, or too happy to post. There was just so much going on and almost none of it did I even want to really write about. This has been happening since around November, which began a heavy flow of topics that I didn't really want to reflect on, largely involving splintering interpersonal relationships, cast, fiscal responsibility, life goals, and work.

Today, however, has been a pretty okay day. It seems brighter; perhaps seasonal depression was my problem all along... it's finally getting warmer and sunnier and brighter, and I don't want to slit my wrists all that much. In fact, at all.

Not that I have really been that bad (nor would I be quite that cavalier if I was... maybe), but it's been a difficult time. Big changes in responsibility in work and environment, and there is never enough time in the day to do both everything I should be doing and want to also be doing (which sometimes is nothing... sometimes that really is the only thing I want to do). It's not very conducive to a blog, and I have always hated the idea of censoring myself. I'd rather just not write about it. As much shit as I have put out there about my friends, the cast, my family, or myself, there is just buckets worth of restraint and tact that I exercise. Plus, most of the time, I am so manic that it just won't matter later anyway.

So, I've been trying to write more to curb this. I am actively working on several projects and characters and that's exciting. Also exciting is that I actually have several notebook sheets filled with long term goals and explanations; it's not just lists of things--it's pretty cohesive. Of course I am not spending enough time on these projects, no matter how frequently I pick them up. I am not working that consistently, but I am trying. And one project, a musical that I am actually working on with Genevieve, already has most of the plot fleshed out and even lyrics and dialog written. It's exciting! I also know that even though this (and Lil Attila) have kept me from working on my character profile "Viktor," I will go back to him because he's reprising his performance at this year's SalonCon. Very exciting, that, too. Especially since Genevieve has invited me to much more involved now that we have something to look back on. And since Viktor and the musical are thematically similar if not related, they'll probably steal from each other.

Woo!

Work is on it's way to becoming better.

I've been also downloading A LOT of music.

Cast is eternally in flux, and I have 2 theme shows to prepare for (I really could've used last week's Hat Pick Night to bump me out the absolute awfulness of the week, but I got tech) in the next month: Zombie Night and Fairytale Night, the latter of which I'm pretty much calling all the shots on... That's exciting in and of itself; structuring a show and casting it as I wish. Plus while I am gunning for not a lead on Zombie Night (I just don't want the pressure or the expense especially since I'm a lead for Fairytale), I'm hoping to be a memorable ghoul all the same.

Lots of good things, really, coming up... concerts (the aforementioned Cyndi/Dresden/Cho affair and Rocky Horror event; plus HUMANWINE on the 17th, and who knows what else). Busy, busy, busy.

Here's to getting out of funks.

Thanksgiving has come and gone. It was a low-key one with just Matt and 40, which was a nice change of pace. I made my calls to Joyce, Dad and Michele, and Mom Mom and Pop Pop. I ate more food than I should have.

Matt and I attempted (more Matt than I, but that is purely because 2 people can't really do it if there is only one x-act-o blade and staple gun) to put the carpet down in the bedroom. Matt got discouraged because it wasn't working out right.

I have work tomorrow (I could take it off, but Genevieve and Jamie are off and Maria is working at home and won't even be reachable by phone and I don't want to leave Matt by himself), so I should get some sleep. I am very tired despite only having been up for 12 hours.

Mind-numbing boring day... Few calls, and none were for me, Matt went to sleep early, Maria was out most of the day. Normally this is fine, fine, fine but I just wanted to go to sleep. I'm not even tired, just bored.

Meanwhile... on a purely work-related visit to MySpace (uhm, yeah), I actually discovered two former classmates of mine who have their music up on the site. Their hip hop aspirations are on their way to being reality. It's all pay-per-song studio time without a label, but it's impressive. While I was never friends with them exactly (or much at all), I was awestruck by the lives of people I've forgotten about, and have probably forgotten me.

Time for food.

Sometimes I feel like I will never be "moved in." It's just a huge, overwhelming process. The office, including the filing cabinets, our desks, and the servers, have all been moved over here. In fact, we have a functioning office now, with phones, the Internet, and a vague sense of procedure.

Still much to do (most of my desk's contents are in plastic bags around my feet); and more to do upstairs. I was so exhausted from a grueling, unforgiving weekend of short sleep hours and extensive physical labor, that I just crashed after work on the couch. After an hour, Matt and I went home, where I promptly fell asleep on the apartment couch. Matt made me food, which I ate, and then went back to sleep. He also fell asleep (being probably more tired than I), but at 11, went back to the house to work on the basement's walls to continue to seal them. I wasn't able to do much else but move myself to the bed and fall asleep again until 8 a.m.

I'm not entirely working on autopilot, but I'm pretty zoned. I need to eat something and stretch. My body doesn't want to really stretch, though. My joints feel pretty tight and unwilling to bend.

40 has been in the office twice now. I'm sure this morning, after him cowering for 9 hours under Matt's desk yesterday, he figured it was all a bad dream. He's been cautiously wandering today. He does not like the car ride in the slightest, though.

Transitioning's for everyone.

On Friday, I performed at the SalonCon. It was a Victorian-inspired convention that really wasn't much of either. However, I got involved as a favor to Genevieve, who was in charge of two of the events at the convention. I then became very self-centered and became that much more involved.

I have long wanted to be able to be a performer, in a cabaret sort-of way. Going to drag shows, doing live preshows for Rocky Horror, performing at the JeffMach events, and simply playing Riff Raff and Frank at the show, has made me realize this, despite my reservedness and my inability to sing live or take much choreography direction. I finally was able to take my very first step at a legit emcee role.

At the burlesque show that Genevieved directed, I was the master of ceremonies and introduced each of the acts, with a imagined character (I named him Viktor Devonne, although I never actually introduced myself as such for the show.) He was of suspicious ethnicity; I kept switching up my accents. I was able to actually have that seem charming as opposed to annoying, which was relieving. If I had been less nervous, I probably would've just stuck with one, but since I willingly made light of it, it seemed to work out.

I loved my outfit; the hat made it--the top hat that Genevieve lent to me. I want one now. I white-d my face, blacked my eyelashes and lids, lipsticked my lips, wore my Brad black pants, a white dress shirt, and an askew bowtie and added a jaunt in my step.

I had a whole impromptu dance number before the actual acts (it was intended to be a subtle transition between the letting-in music and the actual acts of the night, but since there were no chairs of any type, I cleared the dance floor by grinding (and actually faux-ballroom dancing, something I had definitely not intended to do) with unsuspecting attendees and then making my way to the forefront. It was all a swirl. I didn't get to see the actual performances in whole (much of them, and I saw all the rehearsals), but they were:

- Knockin' by Lumincent Orchestrii, and starring Liz, Randi, and Dani.
I found this song on a messageboard; someone was comparing them to the Dresden Dolls. Figuring Genevieve would like it, I put it on a mix. Some months later and it's the first number of this show. Genevieve and Liz choreographed this, and it was a preshow at our own theatre a few weeks ago. This was the most straight-forward strip tease of the night.

- I Want You by Rachael Yamagata, and starring Genevieve and Danielle.
This was supercute. Genevieve played the seductress and Danielle the unsuspecting ingenue. It came off really well, and I know they worked really hard on it. This was a strip/vaudeville act.

- Wicked Woman, Foolish Man by August Darnell, and starring Sarah and Regina.
Regina was a last-minute addition to the cast, and this song was a very late addition to the set. I suggested it to Genevieve, and I'm pretty sure no one has ever heard of it. It's on the Dick Tracy soundtrack. This was S&M-flavored and was predominately vaudeville, with Regina taking the slapstick role as a Foolish Man and Sarah working the Wicked Woman (with a riding crop no less) persona, and had the most elaborate concept.

- Candyman by Christina Aguilera, and starring Jordana, Lauren, and George.
When rummaging for songs, Genevieve and I found this one (it was actually the second Aguilera song I suggested; the first being "Welcome" for Angie's solo). Hearing this song the first time made me extremely happy, and Genevieve fortunately agreed it could work. I was almost in the duet with Sarah, when it was still in the making (Jill Sobule's "Resistance Song" and Joan Osborne's "If I Was Your Man" were considered), and when Genevieve realized she didn't have anything for Lauren and/or Jordana yet, this seemed the most natural fit. This required me getting a long coat and lining it with wrapped candy like a watch salesman, or a drug pusher. Genevieve and I worked on the choreography, with her taking the lead on the Jordana/Lauren interaction. We did this as a preshow last week. The candy lining kept falling apart, but fortunately only during rehearsals. It's still on the coat, in fact. This was straight-up vaudeville.

- Gravity by the Dresden Dolls, and starring Angie.
The only act that Genevieve wasn't directly involved in, and the most choreography-heavy (which was conceived by Angie herself). A sweeping ballet cum punk act that ended the show perfectly. Considering the fact that Angie didn't even know the song when it was suggested made it that much more impressive.

It was a fabulous time; it actually seemed too short, because no one was ready for it to end. Maybe one more number would've been for the best, but as my father drilled into my head about live performance: "Always leave them wanting more." Indeed we did.

Rocky the next night seemed almost subdued in comparison, although it was a fully realized show; no particular incidents or fallings out.

I spent tonight particularly covered in nostalgia, as I helped Matt and Maria run wires in the basement of the new house. I quipped that should've invited Spark; then it really would've been a full company wiring outing.

Rather slow today.

People back and forth... but not a lot in terms of sales. It's ok, though. It's the current customers that have been stopping by the most to either say hi, or ask about new things, etc. Nine, though--at least we've got a lot of people that seem to genuinely like us.

Friday: We went to JFK in the early a.m. and had to go through security twice because they changed our terminal at the last minute. Flew to Houston, had a terrible time trying to get to our connecting flight (the airport shuttle was not operating), but got to the right place with much time to spare... We just thought we were an hour late 'cause our phones didn't time zone change. From Houston to Reno. Gained 3 hours. Hungry, tired, stiff... I don't sleep well on airplanes, but my body doesn't know what else to do.
Met up with Maria and Anna... Eventually with Lenny. Had food, saw some customers, and generally just hung out because the next day was the beginning of the madness.

Saturday: Early morning breakfast that we attend but don't eat at (we go for the announcements and hang in the back). We had appointments, which all went extremely well, and had to start stage 1 of setting up the buying room. We had two show events that evening; a cocktail reception where we get to hang casually with the jewelers, and the special messageboard party (which is populated by the people that use the organization's website to chat and hang out with one another), where we got to be far more casual. Had some drinks, spent time with 2 of my favorites, and went to sleep afterwards, very tired.

Sunday: General Session, where the org makes their announcements... early morning again... buying set-up stage 2. And here I sit. Room opens at 1:30. And then we begin.

I'm going to Reno soon. With the exception of my tired eyes, it doesn't really seem like 2 a.m.

The limo (well, it's limo service... it's probably going to be an SUV or something) will be here in less than an hour. And then it's airport-plane-airport-plane-hotel.

I don't remember when I'm actually going to be in Reno. Our layover is in Huston.

...it's not particularly exciting.

I'm not fond of airports (rushrushrush) or airplanes (crampcrampcramp), but it shouldn't be that bad. I might end up being so tired I just fall asleep and Matt'll have to drag me to the next flight.

It is the least stressful prep time for a tradeshow yet. Hopefully that's a good thing, and it'll all work out, be splendid, make us money, and contribute to a better planet.

I've got that Riff Raff soreness in my lower back and feet. Means it was a good performance.

I had the divine pleasure of playing off of Willow for her last performance of Magenta with the Home of Happiness. Her final show is July 29th, where I will be Frank and she will be Rocky. I haven't let myself really be sad about it, and last night was just like an awesome everyothernight.

Larry complimented me, which I appreciated; things went off pretty well from the start, and I had my usual fabulous time as Riff Raff. I'm missing the show for 2 weeks which I hate so extraordinarily much. I hate missing the show more than most things, and the fact that I'm missing it for a Reno tradeshow is thrilling me like a hangnail. But I never, ever, ever like missing a show--it wouldn't matter why. But work is not one that I'm cool with. The second show that I'm missing is actually not for work--it's actual downtime after the tradeshow, so that evens out. Still, I always feel like I'm missing something.

Whatever... the week in preparation began last week, and officially kicks into high gear tomorrow. Blagh. I will be gaming tomorrow, which will be the last time I get to do anything normal 'til I get back.

The plans for Friday are: limo ride to airport around 4 a.m. and then on a plane. Matt said our layover is in Ohio. And then to Reno. And then... yeah, it's as if it's the first time for me every time.

We set up appointment options for our customers, and I got 2 sheets back from 2 customers saying they want a meeting with me. They are wrong; they want a meeting with Matt, but they've only spoken to me before, so they don't realize it's all on Matt's shoulders at this juncture. So, Matt and I better be doubling on those 'cause I have no answers for them.

It's my last trade show. I haven't written about that whole business yet... Basically, I'm leaving the company sometime in November. And basically, I'll talk about that some other time. Maybe after Reno, when it may seem like the best idea ever.

One of my favorite people that I've worked with, a customer of ours, died last night. Her name was Betty, and she was the mom of my contact person at the store. I saw her just as frequently as her daughter, at the shows, and she was a really sweet person.

She was diagnosed with colon cancer, and they'd been trying to treat her for a few weeks now.

This is not the first time a customer of ours has died; one of Matt's clients died earlier this year. It's still a bit of a shock.

I was awfully moody most of the day. I just wasn't much fun at all, and I hated working. I resented everything the moment I woke up. Since I got some pretty decent sleep time (I'm assuming... I don't remember waking up or it taking more than 20 minutes to fall asleep, although that feels like a long time at the time), I'm not sure why I was so disgruntled. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

The HOH MySpace has shot up astronomically. It's been up for less than 2 days and has nearly 100 members. Many I have never seen before, but that's fine, fine, fine.

I had a good Cthulhu game, which was good, 'cause I was in no mood at first. Michael is right; we really may take a little while getting into it, but once we're there, we're awfully good.

Now for some Lost and reluctant sleep (just reluctant 'cause I gotta get up).

All in all, not a bad day, just sorta... sorta.

Today was a pretty full day of work. It wasn't really stressful or difficult or anything, but it was pretty busy. I ended up being very, very tired by the time 5 o'clock rolled around. Sometime after 6, I even laid back in my chair, cranked up Aqua, and apparently fell asleep. The nap did nothing but make me cranky when woken up.

Matt and I did food shopping in two parts. The first part was him walking around and putting things in the cart. The second part was me actually being alert and putting food for myself in the cart. It ended up being $170, which was pretty obscene, and I still haven't exactly thought about the inexcusable shopping cart rape that was so blatant and unforgiving... Money's not exactly tight, and most of the things we were getting were for pretty general consumption (I did end up getting two boxes of raspberries simply because they were there and not a bad berry in the bunch). I have to say that I don't really want to live in a world where an individual water filter is $10.

Two websites that I frequent like the dickens are bugging the hell out of me. I got into the habit of updating directly from Livejournal.com, using that embedded text box they have, after about two years or more using one of their stand-alone clients. I just hated that I couldn't change the mood icon that I wanted to use if I was feeling a different adjective than the pre-determined 130-some. Anyway, now when I'm typing, the window keeps expanding, and making that horizontal scroll bar, and part of my entry obscured. Fuckers.

The second is last.fm, which is taking a very long time to load my total artists list. As someone who acknowledges that it doesn't matter what my music stats are as long as I am enjoying the tunes, I am also someone who really likes to know "who's in the lead" or whatever. It's all still uploading, but the artists are updating individually as opposed to the whole chart. After Yes, Virginia's release on Tuesday, there's a good 60-some tracks that haven't been added to my list for the Dresden Dolls since then. Nellie McKay is listed on my weekly charts as having 52 plays last week, but my overall hasn't even updated her past the otherwise anemic 40-some that came before that. Blargh.

Matt and I watched another episode of Lost yesterday, which was very interesting. Only one for tonight; Matt has a registration system to make functional by tomorrow.

I'm alone in my section of the office, tomorrow. That sucks.

My shoulder still hurts, but only really now when I touch it. Jamie thinks it's a pinched nerve. That sucks, too.

It was a very long, interminable day. Unfortunately, I've got another 2 ahead of me this week. Tomorrow should be awfully quiet, with Genevieve gone. Days seem to go by slower with no one else back here. I had such vicious thoughts throughout the day, though. Spite.

...

I have the new Regina Spektor album; I am of course listening to one song over and over, although I like a lot of it. She redid "Samson," which was kind of pointless, but "Fidelity" and "On the Radio" and "That Time" are especially wonderful. This is another musician who needs to make albums every couple of weeks. Although to be fair, "Songs" and "11:11" probably could have been one album, because they're both awfully inconsistent. She makes a damn good mix CD, though.

...

Unhappy weight issues. I'm going to have to go off Chinese again, work out more, drink even more fucking water, and be more conscious of my portions. Hell has come back to me, and for a while there, food was the one thing going for me during the day. That may've been the issue to lead to the ten pounds.

...

Sex is a beautiful, holy event. The drought is over, finally. If anyone heard chimes (or a hallelujah chorus) 'round about 1 am this morning, just congratulate me and move on.

...

Lil Attila: The Movie (as I'm recently calling the novel 'cause I can't think of a fucking title for it yet) is going very slowly; it's driving me very crazy. I'm trying, and I have ideas, but they aren't coming out... I'm just so angry at that... it's about 4 months past due (for my own personal deadline), and it's just not coming. I had such a beautiful start, and I'm on the 18th page and the ink is just taking forever.

Snark.

I don't really have a lot going on right now... Well, I mean, work... but that's not new. And not particularly interesting or something I want to get into. Short stick long, I have to separate it a little better. And shut the fuck up more frequently.

Otherwise... not so much.

I trained Lauren for Magenta with Danielle, and worked with Genevieve on her Magenta, since we will be performing Magenta and Riff Raff this Saturday. Whoot.

Lauren's now coming back to my house. She dropped her wallet and it was on the pavement outside.

Then, bed. 'Cause bed's been a beautiful thing lately.

I should probably be feeling a little more rushed... We leave in like 6 hours. Meh.

Tampa's soon. I'll not really see a lot of it. Got a week of that, and then we're heading back to narrowly make Wicked my Dad and Michele, and a host of other cameo guests.

Yeah, I'm nervous about it, but at this point, it's pretty much like falling.